An Anniversary

I tried to post 3 times yesterday, but failed miserably. I think I was just too relaxed (; I am LOVING my time off and decided I would be way skinnier if I didn't work. I have worked out three times this week and it hasn't been something I dread but the exact opposite! I have really enjoyed it. Doesn't hurt that two of those workouts have been Zumba in the Dark. Just picture a dark room, disco lights, and lots of ladies dancing away. Tons of fun!

Yesterday marked 2 years since the first time I found out I was pregnant. I remember having three of my  best friends over for a little Christmas get together, eating, laughing, and exchanging gifts. After talking with one of my dearest friends, and after much conversation that led to the fact that I was late for my period, made me realize that I was pretty sure I was pregnant. Just a couple weeks before, I had a slight fever and felt yucky, just felt off, and was really nauseous the morning I had my friends over. I promised her I would take a test in the morning and text her with the results. Shockingly enough, those two lines appeared right away. WHAT?? Nick and I weren't going to start trying for a couple more months?? Could we be this lucky? Eight or so preggo tests later and a visit to a doc in the box for another pee test, it was true.

I was pregnant.

We were SO excited! Of course my mother knew the minute I took the test and then we decided to tell other family members soon after. Nick made a fortune cookie that he took to the Chinese restaurant with his family that said something to the effect that their would be a new addition to the family. My dad, stepmom, and grandma came down and we told them as well and made a few more phone calls that night to family members. Without going into too much more detail, our first appointment at a little over 6 weeks was inconclusive as everything was in place but a heartbeat and they wanted me to come back in a week.

A week later, a little over 7 weeks pregnant, we went for another ultrasound and still no heartbeat. The doctor wanted to see me the following Monday, but told me that I could miscarry at any point and he didn't have much hope for this pregnancy. Just a few short hours later, I started to bleed and miscarried later into the night. It was horrible. Painful. Devastating.

Now here we are two years and three more miscarriages later. It is truly hard to believe that time has passed so fast. I remember thinking last year as I approached 2011 that I was so over 2010 and ready for a new year. I was very hopeful for what this year could bring and wanted so badly to have a successful pregnancy. In just a few short days we will enter into 2012 and I don't know what to think. Coming home from Zumba I thought hard about my feelings and what I hoped that this new year would bring. I just don't know.

I have so much faith and hope inside of me, don't get me wrong. I just don't want to be disappointed, ya know?  So I will hope for God's will for our lives, that we will seek Him with every decision, and find joy in all situations. For now, that's all I know to do. I think that's enough too (:

Pray for Nick and I as we make some tough financial decisions and possibly move on in this journey of having a child. I also pray that if it is God's will, we conceive on our own.

Happy New Year!

It's Comin' On Christmas..

You know sometimes I feel like people just don't get it. Miscarriage isn't a "small thing" or something that is so "normal" that you get over it quickly. It is losing. a. life.

I get really frustrated when people make comments that are so insensitive to what they perceive miscarriage to be. OK, so let's say I had never had a miscarriage (or 3 and a chemical..). I would NEVER say to the husband or God forbid mother that lost a child, "You know, I just didn't think it was really that big of a deal?"

WHAT?!?

It is a good thing I have God right there by my side to comfort and assure me not everyone understands. I don't get mad at these comments. I just can't in my right mind understand how someone could be so callous to the fact that a LIFE was growing, stopped growing, and died. Until your in it, you have no idea. That goes with anything I guess.

I will stop on my rant now. The good news is that Christmas is fastly approaching (: I just love this time of year and am always so sad to see it go. It is such a reflective time in my relationship with Christ and I think every year at this time where or what I would be without Him. Unfortunately, this time of year can also be a bit sad someone like me who is struggling to have children. I want to do the same things many of the people I know are doing with their children...it can be a somewhat disheartening. When I feel this way, I am reminded of this quote:

Whenever Christmas begins to burden, it’s a sign that I’ve taken on something of the world and not of Christ. Any weight in Christmas has to be of this world.  Ann Voscamp

I know these feelings I have stem from the inside selfish struggles that comes with the territory of infertility. It is a constant struggle that can seriously tear you down if you let it. I pray that I can let the burdens that the world puts on my shoulders daily go, and remember that God wants to carry them for me. I came across this song on a blog that I read pretty regularly and it somewhat embraces what I feel when I am a little low this time of year.  Thought I would share (:

I won't let this somewhat sadness ruin this joyful time of year. That would just be silly. God is greater. The birth of His Son is greater.

I Hate My Uterus

Kinda feeling like a bit of a failure today...I know, I know..it's REALLY silly. AF arrived right on time. On time as right in the middle of my teaching full blown with cramps and all! Luckily, I had Advil sitting on my desk, took some right away, and the cramps calmed down some.

Why am I feeling like a failure? I feel like my body is almost betraying me sometimes. I mean, we really have only starting "trying" (as in charting, medication, SMEP..) since the beginning of this summer. My first pregnancy was quite the surprise as we had planned to start trying in the following months. After that, we didn't prevent it, but did not pay attention to my cycle or anything like that. My second pregnancy was also a bit of a surprise and unexpected. Of course my third pregnancy was from trying for a couple of months, which I am very thankful for! I mean some people try for YEARS and never see a positive pregnancy test. After my third pregnancy came a chemical pregnancy literally 30-40 days later.

Now here we are, one miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy after "trying" for roughly 6 months. I have to be thankful for the fact that my body has been pregnant 4 times in the past two years. On December 27th, 2009, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. It brings back such naive feelings that I had about pregnancy. I was thinking to myself that I was pregnant and in 9 months I would be holding a baby...it just doesn't always work out like that. Now we continue to struggle with infertility and going from month to month disappointed with either a loss or a negative pregnancy test.

I will admit that I have tested this week hoping and praying to see two lines on that test. I was of course disappointed and really sad when it didn't turn out to be a pregnancy. Thoughts of me being pregnant at Christmas this year crept into my mind and all of the fun that could bring. Now, according to my chart, I will be ovulating on Christmas day instead! Weird.

So no, I don't hate my uterus...most of the time (; I guess since I have been dealing with this for what seems like forever, I just feel like my body keeps failing me. I know that is not the case. I know that there is a reason for all things and I trust that.

Who knew this would be so dang hard? I just.want.to.have.a.baby. I think I will revisit the IVF conversation with my sweet husband. It's just time to try something different. It's time to take a step forward. Soon. If it means not buying a new home for awhile, I am more than ok with that. We are in such a good place. PlEaSe pray for us as we continue to search for answers and listen whole-heartedly to God's plan and will for our lives.

TWW

In this crazy recurrent miscarriage life that I live, there is this ugly thing called the TWW (two week wait). When you are trying to have a baby, charting, temping, drugging yourself, and so forth...the time between ovulation and your period or a positive pregnancy test is the absolute worst. It is the time when you analyze every symptom and relate to previous pregnancies to try and guess if you could be pregnant or not. In other words, it's awful! See, there is no "it will happen when you least expect it" when you have issues with getting pregnant (or staying pregnant in my case). I know what day of my cycle I am on at all times, I chart everything, I record every symptom, and wait and pray and hope that this is THE month.

It can be pretty exhausting sometimes and I can get pretty psycho about it all at times, but it is the life I live! I can't just "relax" and "wait for it to happen"...that's not how my body works! I have to treat this issue like anyone else with any other ailment treats theirs. We are taking a break for the fertility specialist for a little while since we got the go ahead to keep trying on our own. I will keep taking extra folic acid and progesterone supplements for the last two weeks of my cycle. We know I have low progesterone which is part of the cause for my miscarriages.

I read a lot of blogs. It's almost therapy for me because I read blogs with families that are struggling with pregnancy. Sometimes it's nice to know that others out there can relate to your issues and give you a different perspective. There are few that I stick close too particularly because we share the same faith and I love to see how God is working in their lives and throughout the tough times. I think in my next post I will link some of them for you to read. Many of them have done multiple IUI's, IVF's, and overall just tried and failed for years. It is heartbreaking but also gives me so much hope that so many of them are pregnant now and carrying their babies beautifullly.

Nick and I put a contract on a home in West Cobb and it fell through today after the inspection. The foundation is crumbling ): We really liked the house and what it could be for us, but it's apparent that God has a better home for us. It just wasn't the right one. Although we are out $350 for the inspections, we could have been out thousands and thousands if we wouldn't have had a very throrough inspection. Thankful for that!

Well, I will continue in my TWW and in 8 days figure out what's going on this month! Always hopeful because my God can do BIG things (:

Family Fun and Other Updates (:

My brother and his family moved into a new house this weekend, so I kept my nephew Brayden (5) and my niece Emma Grace (18 months). I went to meet my brother and sister-in-law on Friday night in Canton to pick them up. Brayden was so excited and Emma Grace was a little hesitant, especially when my brother walked away from the car after putting her in her car seat. She whimpered for about a minute and then was fine. This was the first spend the night party with Aunt Kristen (:

All Brayden was worried about was seeing Uncle Nick and Emma Grace would not let me put her down! We didn't get home until after 9:00 pm and Emma Grace was asleep shortly after we got home, put on PJ's, and watched Brayden play the Wii.

I put Emma Grace in the bed and Brayden and I waited for Uncle Nick to get home before heading off to bed ourselves. We all slept really well and got up at about 8:30 Saturday morning. Emma Grace would still not let me put her down, so I managed to make pancakes, feed both of them, and clean up with her in my arms. Luckily her big brother sat in the chair and watched cartoons while I jumped in the shower. We all got dressed and sat down to watch Brayden play the Wii for a little bit and Emma Grace fell asleep again. Around 12:30, we all got cleaned up again and headed out to McDonald's! They ate their happy meals and we headed out to the playground.

They had lots of fun!! We soon headed back home for the Georgia game and naps. Brayden, Emma Grace, Sadie (our dog) and I all fell asleep in the same chair while watching the game. We had a good nap and when we woke up it was time to pack up and head to Cumming! I got to see their new house coming together and Brayden was excited to see his room that was pretty much done! His room is decorated with Georgia Bulldogs and he loved it...so did Emma Grace. He has bunkbeds that were my brothers when he was little and Emma Grace liked sitting on the bottom bunk while big brother was on the top.

After hanging at their new house for a bit, we all headed out to dinner with my dad and step mom. It was a great way to start off a much needed week off from school for all of us. Tomorrow I head to the doctor (my regular doc) for a yearly check up and a hair appointment later in the afternoon. At some point I have to get my house cleaned, do LOTS of laundry, and get ready to decorate for Christmas. Nick also has three days off this week (he had today off too!), so we plan to get some Christmas shopping done.

This morning we went to Sunday School in a new class and before the class started we met a couple that dealt with infertility issues for 7 years! They have one daughter who is now in college. It was great to hear her story. She talked about how she knew that it was in God's plan for them to be parents, she just didn't know how. They were very close to adopting and were finally able to conceive (with a few procedures) their one and only daughter.

Today we went and looked at a few houses. One of which we really loved but it had some major issues. Issues too big for our bank accounts ): Oh well...back to the drawing board! We did a little shopping this evening and went out to dinner. It was a great day!

I was talking to Nick about Brayden and Emma Grace and how sweet they were this weekend. It really confirmed a lot for me. First of all, I can manage two children...and pretty darn well! I am ready for a baby. I got a little teary talking with Nick and our situation and he asked me I was getting discouraged. I didn't know quite how to answer that. This morning we were studying Job in Sunday School and I was really convicted when talking about his trials and tribulations. No matter what, God is faithful and 100% in control. I see the blessings through the trials. I see and feel Him bringing us closer to him through this. Isn't it interesting that we tend to stray when things are SO good in our lives?? It is through the trials that see a bigger God. For that I am so thankful.

No, I don't think I am discouraged. I think I am ever more closer to our goal (a baby..or two (;...of course!) and to a deeper relationship with God. God wants us to be parents, that I know for sure. 



My Thoughts on What Happened

My pregnancy tests are pretty much negative now. Here is what I think happened...

I think I may have had a chemical pregnancy. A chemical pregnancy is a term for a very early miscarriage. This means that the egg fertilized but never implanted in the uterus. You usually end up producing the pregnancy hormone, which is why my tests were postive for a couple of weeks. This is only my theory, but honestly by now I have studied up on this fertility stuff so much, I could just about write a book! About 50-75% of all miscarriages are chemical pregnancies...crazy.

Anyway, I just thought I would offer my opinion on what I think went on. As for getting pregnant, we are going to still try. In a few months we are going to take the next step...we just aren't sure what that step is yet! Only time will tell (: c

My Confusing Life...

Well..I wasn't going to share this but I thought about it and guess I might as well! A few days before my period finally came I got this..
(scroll down..posting via I-phone is a bit tricky!)

Yep..that would be a positive test! I didn't really know what to think and kinda just shrugged it off. My period cane on Monday so I figured it must have been a false positive (accept apparently that never happens). Something told me to check a couple of tests I had taken a couple weeks back and yep...both positive. I am not very patient when it comes to waiting the three minutes for the result and I usually just throw them out after 30 seconds or so.

You know it's just really confusing at this point. Did I have another miscarriage?? Was it a chemical pregnancy??? I know for sure it wasn't left over pregnancy hormone from my last miscarriage. They tracked my numbers back to zero. No, I haven't called the doctor because I just need a break from the madness. We will see her soon enough!

Needless to say, I took another test few minutes ago, set it on the sink, and ran out of the room. Period is pretty much done so I just thought I would check..

Why does it have to be this hard and this confusing??? I was thinking on the way home from work, after I bought more tests, that there is no telling how many tests I have taken over the past couple of years!

Anyway, there ya go. Just thought it would make me feel better if I didn't keep that all inside (; I already feel much better!

So what am I gonna do? Not much. Pray about it and let it go. It's in His hands now!

Just Another Monday..

Today was quite the day! I had to dress like Alexander Graham Bell and teach the same lesson five times. I started my period (first since last miscarriage) and was in pretty awful pain most of the day. I sufferered through! I had an extra body wrap in my purse and put that sucker on! It heats up and made my cramps SO much better!

With the start of this cycle, it has really got me thinking about where Nick and I should go from here. We are supposed to make an appointment with the fertility specialist but I have been putting it off. Part of me is so ready to just right in to IVF, but the other part of me knows the financial burden it will put on us if we do! What if it doesn't work the first time? Then what?? We are still searching for answers on what happens next. I just pray that God will show us soon!

Is dumb that the money is what is standing in our way? Should be we keep trying for awhile longer? Yeah...I don't know either (;

Something is missing?

Today honestly felt like a whirlwind. As a teacher, your name is literally called 5 million times a day. Normally this doesn't bother me very much, but today...I was over it by 8:30 a.m. Last week was conference week so the kiddos left a little after noon. Today was back to the normal schedule and for whatever reason, I was so tired by dismissal. Maybe they were all sugared up when they came this morning. I know tomorrow will be worse...yikes!

I absolutely LOVE this time of year. I love the weather, the changing leaves, the scent of cinnamon and pumpkin, the holidays..everything. I love that I get to see my family more often than usual around Thanksgiving and then again at Christmas. I love the extended breaks from work to decorate my house, bake, and not feel so stressed. It. is. the. best. 

I will say this though...for the first time ever, I feel like there is something missing. I want to have a child to dress up and take trick-or-treating, to get their pictures taken all dressed up, to take to sit in Santa's lap, to read the Christmas story to..all of those things. I have never felt like there was something missing until this year. Is it because I have just had my third miscarriage? Maybe. Who knows what it is, but the feeling and longing is there. God has given me a huge desire to have children..Nick as well. We want to share of these memories with someone else. We want to grow this family. It can be incredibly frustrating sometimes to be in this position of infertility. I feel frustrated today.

Please pray that Nick and I would not become frustrated with our situation, but embrace it and continue to believe that God is in control and His plan is perfect. We certainly believe that with all of our hearts. God is working in the both of us. I feel it..and I like it (:

Good News!! Nick got a promotion at work! He has only been there a month and from what he was told...this never happens! He is now an assistant manager (: We are so thankful for this job!

We sang this in church yesterday. Love it.

Call from the Doc

I must have been tired today because in one moment I am watching Ghost Whisperer (yeah..not sure why on that one..) and the next I am waking up to my phone ringing at almost 6:00 pm! Good thing I have chili going on the stove.. I looked at the phone and saw that it was my doctor's office. I have been waiting on a call about my most recent bloodwork that was done. They did some sort of genetic testing that took three weeks to get back.

My doctor was calling to say that the results were in and everything is normal! Mine is normal, Nick's is normal...everything is NORMAL! She wants us to come in for an IVF consultation. I have not had a period since my last miscarriage and just got a "smiley face" yesterday on my OPK letting me know that I was about to ovulate. It sure did take a long time! Nick and I sat down to talk about what we should do. Do we keep trying? Do we try IVF?

Nick believes that we should just keep trying naturally and I kind of agree with him. I say kind of because I am the one having to lose babies over and over and part of me really does not want that to happen again. There are no guarantees with anything though. Adoption, IVF, trying naturally...no guarantees. I think we will go and have the consult with Dr. Mitchell, talk to her about how we feel, and once again, go from there

We are going to keep praying about what the Lord would have us to do. Please pray for these upcoming decisions!

Strength

You know for the most part, I consider myself to be a fairly strong person. That strength comes from my faith in God and knowing that no matter what life throws at me, He is there to pick up the pieces. I can honestly say today my strength is on the low side. I just feel...stressed. I feel tired. I feel like life keeps throwing me these curve balls. The awesome thing about it all is that my faith is stronger than ever. I know that the Lord will provide and everything will be ok.

As much as I want things to be so different in my life right now, I know God has bigger and better plans for us. That is comforting.

I try not to complain about much because I know that I am blessed with so much more than I deserve already. But sometimes...it is just so much easier said than done. Today is one of those days.

Just praying for strength, patience, and the understanding of God's will in my life right now. He will provide.

Sorry for my weakness in this moment, but none the less, thanks for listening (:

What a week!

This week has been...long. My fifth graders have had ITBS testing all week which makes for some super long days let me tell ya. Not to mention it rained a few of those so we were extra stir crazy..

Glucophage has honestly not been that bad! I have lost right at 5 pounds since Monday (hoping to sneak another one in their this weekend..)! I have been eating well and did not venture to exercise this week because i was afraid of how my body would react to the medicine with my sugar levels and all. Didn't want to scare folks and pass out in the middle of Zumba (;  I go from taking one 850 mg a day to 1700 mg a day starting tomorrow. Then things could get a little more interesting (:

Side effects this week:
1. Lack of appetite. I just. don't. want. to. eat. Like anything. I don't feel like eating until dinner time and even then I could go without. No worries, I am making myself eat lots of protein and veggies!
2. Headaches. Stress or medicine? Just can't tell.
3. A little bit nauseous. Just makes you feel kind of yucky!

Questions I have been asked:
1. So are you diabetic??  NO! Actually, sugar and insulin levels are one of the first things checked when someone is having trouble conceiving or is miscarrying. Women that have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) are prescribed Glucophage to stabilize the insulin levels. Did you know even the smallest amount if insulin resistence can cause a woman not to ovulate? My doc thinks this is why I was only ovulating every other month. That is why I am on Glucophage. To keep my insulin levels stable so that I will ovulate normally. Normal fasting insulin levels are 10 and below. My level was 16 and anything over 10 could show some insulin resistence.
2. Are you going to to IVF soon? That is a HUGE decision that the hubs and I have to pray over. We are tyring to figure it all out. It's $20,000. Did I mention it's $20,000?? Yes, there is financing. Yes, there are grants. I have looked into all of the options and been doing my research to the fullest extent. We meet back with the doc in a couple of weeks and will discuss it further.
3. Will you guys just keep trying naturally for awhile? That is also something we are considering. My doctor is not convinced that we can't conceive without IVF. She just knows that we have a much better chance with it as they can determine which eggs are viable and which ones are not. Should we wait for IVF for another year or two? I mean, I am 28? Just not sure..

I also want to mention the fact that God is very much in this plan. He is orchestrating our decisions and we go to Him for every move. I know with every part of my being that the Lord wants us to have children too. He will make a way!

Top Ten List

I thought this was funny so I had to repost...this was on a blog I found a few days ago! She put in the commentary (:

Top Ten Things You Do NOT Say To Someone With Infertility:

 

1. "You need to just relax. If you stop thinking about it, it'll happen. I know... take a vacation!"

Stop thinking about it?? So if a Dr. tells a sick patient, "stop thinking about your illness." they will instantly be cured?!?! oh and a vacation?? Really?? Cuz I've had my share of getaways and uh.. yea.. no pregnancy reports here. Maybe we didn't visit the designated "fertile" vacation spots!?? hmmm.. I'll have to ask my travel agent for these "hot spots".

2. "You should just adopt!"

Oh yeaaaa.. why didn't I think of that?? Where can I pick up the "easy" application, send it off and wait for my child in 7-10 business days ?? ugh.. --- IT'S A LONG, SUPER EXPENSIIIIIIIIVE PROCESS PEOPLE!!!!!

3. "You want kids? Take mine!"

Ohhhh you're TOO kind! I'll let you know, let me talk it over with the Mr. Yay!!! ---  Oh wait.. you weren't serious!!?? Then shut up!! No I dont want UR child!!

4. "There's probably a reason why you can't get pregnant/ or Things happen for a reason."

Wow.. you have a psychology degree too?!? Thank you for stating the obvious that there must be a reason why I can't get pregnant.. ur a genius!!

5. "Oh you're still young! Enjoy your "childless" years, just you and your hubby! If it's meant to be, then it'll happen!"

still young? Infertility doesn't care about age!! It will blast you at any age.

6. "My cousin adopted a baby and then one year later.. boom! She got pregnant!"

First see my answer for #2...  second.. WELL GOOD FOR UR COUSIN!!

7. "Have you tried acupuncture? Meditating? Herbs? Standing on your head after sex?"

Anything you could possibly think of.. we have tried. Plus most of them are just "wives tales".. who comes up with these things anyway?!?! But yea.. we've tried all sorts of things!! I'll show you the handouts if you'd like. You name it, we've most likely tried it.

8. "I wish I had that problem!! My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant.."

OKAAAAAAAAAYYYY  MRS DUGGAR! calm down!! ugh! maybe my husband should take "staring" lessons from your husband. He can show him a trick or two. geeeeez!  

9. "There are too many people in this world anyway!" < then do this fake little laugh like they want to be funny> 

ohhh no!!! Well heaven forbid I bring ONE extra person into this life. Let me go cancel all my appointments and be thankful that you gave me a popluation update. wait a second.. aren't you the one that told me your husband looks at you and you get knocked up?!?!? Stop over populating then!!! ugh!

10. "You're lucky.. you won't get huge or have those god awful pregnancy symptoms. Once you have a baby, you won't sleep for a looong time. You'll be tired all the time!"

well.. I HAVE gained weight actually.. I do experience nausea at times, my breasts hurt like crazy .. But that doesn't make me pregnant! So not only am I getting those "symptoms".. but I don't have a child as a result of that. Just extra pounds and pains! Ok.. yes..ur right.. that DOES make me feel better. And as far as not getting sleep... I'll sleep when I die, kapeeeesh??--  I WANT all that ok. I WANT to wake up with bags under my eyes. I WANT to be sooooo tired and just hand my baby over to my husband and ask for help. I'm READY for it.  

Sigh! <insert shoulder shrug here> ....

Some people just don't know.

So What is Next?

Today was a bit overwhelming. Ok, A LOT overwhelming. I don't know what I expected really, I guess I didn't have expectations. All we were told was that we were going to hear Dr. Mitchell's "plan" on getting us safely pregnant.Anyway...here's the story.

We were taken right away to Dr. Mitchell's office and was told that she would be with us in a moment as she was finishing up a procedure with another patient. While we waited, I looked through a three ring binder full of statistics on infertility, treatments, and statistics on outcomes of the different types of treatments. Nick played on his Ipad (;

When Dr. Mitchell came in, she started by going over this last pregnancy with me and confirming different aspects, "How long did it last this time," and so on. Basically my pregnancies have been 9 weeks, 6 weeks, 6 weeks. She talked about all of the testing I had done thus far and that everything came back negative which in normal world would be great! Unfortunately, in fertility world this is not so good. It leaves the specialist a bit puzzled as to where to go next. The first thing she did mention though as we were going over tests is that my insulin was 16% (whatever that means) and that she wanted me to go on Glucophage which is a medication that stabilized your insulin levels. Your insulin levels do not cause miscarriage, but they do keep you from getting pregnant and she just wants to cover all basis.

A couple things about Glucophage:

1. I will lose weight! Yay! She said one of her most recent patients that she put on the medicine lost 30 pounds in one month!
2. I can't have any sugar or carbs. No bread. No pasta. Not much fruit. No more orange juice (which I love). No more mexican food really. No more italian food really. No icecream, cake, or anything sweet. She basically told me to follow the Sugar Busters diet or the first phase of Atkins. Thrive Weightloss, here I come!
3. If I cheat, the medicine will cause me to have diarrhea and cramping. Like immediately. She told me not to be in an "open air park" like Stone Mountain..hah! No cheating for me!!!!!
4. I will start tomorrow by taking one pill with dinner and do this for a week. The next week I will take one pill at breakfast and one at dinner. Then the next week I will take a pill three times a day with each meal. No. Cheating.
5. When I reach my goal, she will put me on Metformin which will help me to maintain my weight.

So after the Glucophage conversation, she went right into what she thinks is happening with my pregnancies. She talked about how young I was and how my tests were so inconclusive. So bottom line?

She believes it is something genetic that is causing my miscarriages.

What does this mean? Well, she explained that the reason we have not heard a heartbeat with our past pregnancies has probably been because of a chromosonal defect. She fears as though this will be a continual battle for us to fight. She did encourage us by saying she feels as though there is plenty of hope for us. Apparently there is a new type of IVF where they can extract my eggs and perform a test that shows the viability of the chromosonal makeup within the egg. This is brand new technology and she told us that if we came to her a year ago, she wouldn't have been able to do.

Here is the example she gave us: Let's say they extract 20 eggs and only 4 eggs have the correct chromosonal makeup. She will be able to discuss with us our options for pregnancy. We can decide at that time to carry one child or two. The rest of the eggs will be frozen for later use.

She made it very clear that she does not want me to miscarry again, meaning we shouldn't get pregnant right now. They took my blood for karyotype testing (genetic testing) and that will be back in three weeks. After three weeks, we will meet with her again to decide if we want to try IVF. I wasn't expecting to hear "IVF" so soon, but man when you talk with this lady, you just know she knows exactly what she is talking about. She was extremely confident in the fact that this would work for us.

We have been praying that the Lord would direct her path in choosing how to get us a healthy baby. I guess now we just pray and see if this is truly what He wants for us.

After our conversation with her (which was honestly quite long with many questions from both of us to her filled with information about splitting chromosomes and such that I didn't understand all of) she took us into another room to meet with an IVF counselor. Basically, she went through the total cost of the process and exactly what I would go through. Bottom line...gonna cost us around $20,000 for ONE cycle.

She did give us a couple of financing options which made us feel not as sick to our stomachs, but it was so much to take in. What if it doesn't work? Would we try another cycle? What if that one doesn't work?? Honestly, Nick and I both need some time to think this through. I can't keep having these miscarriages. It is not good for me physically or emotionally. We will try to have a child of our own, whatever the cost. How could we put a price on the life of our child? Can't handle that. If IVF is what we feel lead to doing, we will try it. If it fails, we know that was indeed God's plan. Money is just money. We can't take it with us when we're gone.

We are not sure if this is the end all be all of us successfully having a child, but know for sure that we are confident in our doctor and that this process of us getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) is being prayed over by SO many. God WILL lead us in the direction we are to go. He IS in every part of this. He IS so faithful and will provide us the strength to get through it. He KNOWS our desire to have a child and if it is His will, indeed it will happen.

Please continue to pray for God direct this path. Pray that we make informed decisions. Pray that with the stress of life in general, we can handle it all. Is adoption off of the table? No. But we are certainly not giving up on having our own too.

Info on IVF here via Reproductive Biology Associates (our fertility specialist)

Upcoming Appointment

Friday Nick and I go to the specialist to talk about the "plan" to becoming "safely pregnant". I am anxious but ready to talk it out with the doctor and get her feel on where we should go from here. With that comes obvious concerns (to me atleast..) How much is this going to cost us? Am I going to have to do more invasive treatment? With that comes a hefty price tag and it makes me a bit nervous to think about that. I mean Nick and I can only afford so much, ya know? Where there is a will there is a way I guess.

Because my appointment is right smack in the middle of the day, I am going to take a day off. It will give Nick and I a chance to think about what the doctor says. Doesn't hurt that we can also go to a long lunch and just hang (; Yay three day weekend!!

I just want to ask for your prayers again. That God's plan will be first and foremost in our minds and that the doctors are led to do what is right for us. Three miscarriages is not going to stop me from having a child. I have been chatting with a few ladies in a discussion group that have had recurrent miscarriage. Many of them have had five plus miscarriages and that may very well be something I have to experience. Either way, God is so very much in control of this path for us and we are ready and willing to do what it takes to have a child! It just means one. step. closer.

Thank you for your prayers and support. Have a blessed week!

Shot in my bum ):

I went to the doctor yesterday and had to get another shot in my bum. My blood type is RH-Negative and I have to get a shot of Rhogam after a miscarriage so that my body will not fight future pregnancies. Here is some info:

What may happen if I am Rh-negative and pregnant?

If you are Rh-negative, you may develop antibodies to an Rh-positive baby. If a small amount of the baby's blood mixes with your blood, which often happens, your body may respond as if it were allergic to the baby. Your body may make antibodies to the Rh antigens in the baby's blood. This means you have become sensitized and your antibodies can cross the placenta and attack your baby's blood. They break down the fetus's red blood cells and produce anemia (the blood has a low number of red blood cells). This condition is called hemolytic disease or hemolytic anemia. It can become severe enough to cause serious illness, brain damage, or even death in the fetus or newborn.
Sensitization can occur any time the fetus's blood mixes with the mother's blood. It can occur if an Rh-negative woman has had:

• A miscarriage
• An induced abortion or menstrual extraction
• An ectopic pregnancy
• Chorionic villus sampling
• A blood transfusion

Rh-negative women should also receive treatment after any miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or induced abortion to prevent any chance of the woman developing antibodies that would attack a future Rh-positive baby.

I also had my blood checked again to make sure my levels were going down. I received a phone call today from the doc saying that my levels were at 4.2! That is good news! My levels need to go back to zero and should within the next couple of days. The nurse once again urged us not to get pregnant until we have another consultation with Dr. Mitchell. We are going to make an appointment next week when Nick gets his work schedule. I am very excited to learn her plan (: I am feeling "back to normal" and still very hopeful for the future. Again, God has a plan!

Nick and I have been talking about adoption lately. This is something that we will financially not be able to do for another 4-5 years. We are thinking of doing some fund raising and starting to set aside money of our own! To adopt through a local agency here in Marietta, it runs around $30,000 total. It is something we would like to do in several years, Lord willing!

On another note:

1. My job is stressful.

2. I am so thankful for sweet friends during hard times.

3. I want a mountain weekend full of festivals and apple picking.

4. I am thankful for my husband's new job and proud of him!!

That is all (: Have a great week!

Miscarriage #3

I mentioned in a previous post that I was diagnosed with a blood clotting mutation in which I require extra folic acid. With this news came the fact that I have probably had miscarriages that I didn't know I was having known as early miscarriages where you may be a day or two late for your period, but actually miscarrying.

Well today officially marks the third miscarriage that I know of. My doctor asked me to call by Wednesday if I had not started bleeding by then. I called and left a message because I wasn't even spotting then. Thursday I began to spot a little and today I actually passed tissue and knew what was going on. What is sad to me about the whole thing is that I have only been able to be and feel pregnant for 10 weeks. My first pregnancy only held on for that long. Now I am riding the physical and emotional rollercoaster of my hormones returning to normal and bleeding quite heavily.

I so want to be and feel pregnant for 40 weeks. Not 6, 7, or 10...40 full weeks. I don't care if I puke everyday, all day, the entire time

Bring. it. on.

People that have been pregnant will read this and say, "Oh, that's what she says now, wait till it happens!" Not true. At all. Until you have experienced this several times and want it as bad as Nick and I do, you won't be able to understand.

 I will puke my guts out, have horrible heartburn, and fall asleep by 7:00 pm. Have my lower back feel like it is going to fall off, lose my mind from pregnancy brain, breakout with "pregnancy acne" and gain 50 pounds. Have headaches everyday and my chest so sore that it hurts cotton to touch it. Joyfully and willingly I will go through it all to carry a healthy child for 40 weeks.

When I do become pregnant again, and this time carry a baby longer than 10 weeks. you have FULL permission to put me in check if I ever complain about how I feel. Promise.

Bring it on. All of it.

And the journey continues..

I can honestly say that God is wrapping me in His arms and I am feeling so much peace right now. I did my fair share of crying and thinking the most negative thoughts ever yesterday, like "What is wrong with me", and "I don't think I can do this anymore", but those have hence subsided and I have realized more than ever that I these trials are for a reason. Nick came home from work last night and shared with me that a man that he works with told him his wife had 5 miscarriages before they had their first child. It is hard to think that I could go through 2 more before I deliver a child. I can tell you this though, I will share it with you the whole way.

I can't even begin to tell you how many others from countries all over the world have contacted me to thank me for sharing my story. What. A. Blessing.  Just to think that so many are reading this simple little blog and able to get something out of it is crazy to me. It's just little ole' me putting these feelings out for the world to see. I am so thankful though. Thank you for reading.

So how am I feeling today?  Pregnant. Of course I wake up today with my chest hurting WAY more than it was the day before, nauseous, and exhausted. I just keep telling myself that the symptoms will reside eventually. Just pray that my numbers fall like they should and my cycle goes back to normal quickly. Some were confused when I said yesterday that the doctor did not want me to try on my own anymore. This is exactly what the nurse said to me yesterday:

"Kristen, I am calling with bad news today. Your numbers dropped about 100 points from Thursday. Dr. Mitchell wants you to stop the Progesterone and call if you haven't started bleeding in two days." I then proceeded to tell her that I was used to this process and she said: "This is something you should never have to get used to and we are going to get you a happy and healthy baby soon. For now, do your best to not get pregnant. You need to come back next Thursday and we will repeat the bloodwork to check your levels again. Dr. Mitchell wants to meet with you guys to come up with a plan for getting you safely pregnant."

She was incredibly caring over the phone and I certainly did not feel like another infertility patient. They are just wonderful. So the plan is to set up an appointment soon to come up with our "plan". I am not quite sure what that means yet, but we will see. I trust her and I trust God.

Again, I am so thankful for friends and even complete strangers like you that care enough to read and pray for Nick and I. You have NO idea what that means to us! We will figure this out, one day at a time (;

Pregnancy Update 5

Unfortunately I was called with not so good news today. My levels dropped about 100 points ): Looks like I am having yet another miscarriage. The doctor recommends that I stop the progesterone treatment and just wait. I have to go back in 10 days to repeat the blood work to make sure my levels are back to normal or heading there and the doctor wants me to come in and make a plan on how to get me pregnant and stay pregnant. I was instructed not to try it on my own anymore..whatever that means.

I am not sure what to think or feel at this point. I need some time to think, reflect, and just cry. Thank you so much for your prayers!! I have truly felt them and please continue to pray Nick and I through this journey. God has a plan.

Could you truly say you were blessed in a time like this? Think about that. I know I can.

Pregnancy Update 4

So..my brain cannot seem to function properly these days. I am SO forgetful and just doing very silly things. For instance, my students were having their specials time at P.E. When it was time to pick them up, I proceeded to walk myself down to music then realized as I approached the door that my students were all the way across the school at P.E. Today my alarm went off at 4:45 like usual. Instead of snoozing the alarm for ten more minutes like I do every. day., I instead set it for 6:30?!? Was I dreaming that 6:30 was the time I should get up?!? Well, it put me late to my appointment and late to school and in CRAZY traffic!

Anyway, to the good stuff (: I was able to waltz right in to the doctor's office and be out within 10 minutes. So lovely! I always call at 12:30 and leave a message to let them know I am still waiting for my results (; I usually receive a call very quickly after that but did not today. They did not call until 4:20! I was growing evermore impatient and my little mind began to worry a bit!

She called to say that my numbers quadrupled!! That's right..they are moving in the right direction. BUT, my progesterone is still low. I get to once again be put on a new medication. Can't remember what it's called but it starts with a C. Sorry, I know that's not much help. For those of you that may not know, Progesterone plays a very important role in pregnancy. Every month your lining around your uterus will either shed and you will get your period, or it will thicken because you have become pregnant and your rising progesterone levels will keep it in tact. If you have low progesterone like me, you have repeated miscarriages because your lining sheds prematurely. So, I will start this new medication that hopefully will help this issue. I am just so thankful to be feeling pregnant and welcome every little symptom (:

I go back once again on Monday for more blood work! This is getting to be quite tedious but if it means I have to go throughout my whole pregnancy to monitor things, I will do it. I am thankful to work with an administration and teammates that fully understand and have been so supportive. So blessed!

Thank again for the hugs, prayers, letters, and emails! I am so thankful for all of you! (And if you are tired of hearing that, get over it (;..)

POAS Addict

Sorry for the blurry picture but I just wanted to make a note of this one (: Probably the darkest pregnancy test I have ever had! So I needed to document it. I think I might be a POAS addict. (Pee on a stick) I guess because my pregnancies haven't lasted very long in the past, it makes me want to see that I am pregnant on that little test. Silly, I know. Ok, that is all. I will update after my blood work on Thursday! Have a great week (:

Oh, and please keep praying (;

Pregnancy Update 3

Well friends, I went back to the doc this morning bright and early (got there at 6:45) to get my betas checked again. When I pulled into the parking lot (half asleep..), I was able to get a great parking spot! When I looked at the sign in front it said "Expecting Mothers". I honestly started to back up and move when I realized that, "Hey! That's ME!" I pulled right in there and off I went. It is honestly just weird for me to feel like that right now because I am in such a limbo, ya know?

So I waited very impatiently all day for the doctor to call (ask my co-workers), and finally at dismissal when it is seriously a mad house of writing down homework, passing out graded papers, giving them last minute reminders, and watching each child little by little scurry off to the appropriate place...my doctor calls. I very sternly asked my kids to PLEASE be quiet so that I could take a very important phone call. They were so sweet and did just as I asked so I could talk to the doctor in private. To my surprise my numbers have TRIPLED! That's right..amongst the bleeding this weekend, my numbers are continuing to rise as they are supposed to. I was honestly shocked. The nurse was so sweet and so optimisic (which I am not used to). I told her I was still bleeding and she said not to worry unless it gets very heavy AND I am in alot of pain. They two must be together. So here I am, in another waiting period (:

I go back to the doc on Thursday for once again more blood work. I think I will ask for an ultrasound for the next week to see if there is "something there". I seriously don't know how to feel. I am happy, scared, anxious, and optimistic all the same. I want more than anything for this pregnancy to last the entire 40 weeks and deliver a healthy baby. But if it doesn't, I need to be secure in my faith and know that God is in control. Miscarriage or healthy baby, He is in control. I know I say this alot but I need to remind myself frequently as we all do.

PLEASE continue to pray for me and this little bean growing! I know I am asking for your prayers, but I also know that God is listening to all of them! Thank you again and again for your continued support! You truly have been inspiring to me.

Here are the pregnancy tests I took!

Pregnancy Update 2

Today I am bleeding..a lot. I can't imagine that I am not miscarrying as I know my body and have been through this a few times. I have no cramping or pain, just feels uncomfortable. I will still follow doctor's orders and stay off of my feet and continue with the meds. I go back Monday for more blood work so they will be able to tell by my numbers anyway. Thank you for the love, support, and prayers. I have truly felt them all! Continue to pray! Please know that I emotionally try and prepare myself for this to happen each time. God will not put me through something I can't handle..I have His strength and go to Him with my burdens. He is always sufficient for my every need. Obviously, this is not the outcome we want, but we don't know best. If I am miscarrying, we will just pick up from where we left off and keep trying!! His plan is perfect!

Pregnancy Update!

So let me just break down the night and day for you. Last night I didn't really sleep at all. I was up feeling sick and dizzy most of the night. Pregnancy? Hormones? I am not sure at this point as the symptoms for all of them intertwine frequently. This morning at 7 I went to the doctor and had my blood taken and rushed off to my fifth graders who are starting to notice something is up with "Mrs. Richie". I started to have a little back ache around 9 and noticed that I was bleeding a little. I tried to stay off of my feet as much as possible!  I had no cramping or anything like that.

At recess today around 12 I finally heard from the doctor! My levels are going UP! YAY! They said they are "cautiously optimistic" and that I am to stay off of my feet all weekend. I told them about the bleeding and she didn't seem a bit concerned (which was weird). They increased my Prometrium to 400 mg a day to try and stop the bleeding. I called my husband and he very sweetly went home to bring me my medicine so that I could start right away. I took 200 mg at about 1:45 and another one just now. Feeling just a little dizzy!!

Needless to say, I couldn't be MORE thankful for the phone calls, cards, texts, emails, and facebook posts that have really helped me get through this week. Just knowing that so many are praying means so much! I have decided that I too will be cautiously optimistic instead of thinking the worst will happen because it always does. If I miscarry this baby I know that strength from the Lord will come as it has before and I will get through it again! If God decides to defy the odds and show us all who is in charge, I will take that too (; Either way He is completely sovereign and I trust His perfect plan and timing in all things.

Please keep the prayers coming!!!

Here we go again folks!

Well, I have some news to share. I am pregnant. Here's the story..

I was supposed to start my period on Sunday or Monday. I started testing on Thursday of last week and had all negative tests through Sunday. I tested Monday morning as I was feeling my period was well on it's way, and there it was. I was a bit in shock and called Nick in to have a look at the positive test I saw in front of my eyes. Then I got scared. real scared. The thoughts and the "what if's" entered in quickly. I called my fertility specialist first thing this morning and left work to go have blood work done. I did not get to speak with my doctor but I did see her. A couple came in with their brand new baby to take pictures with Dr. Mitchell. It was so sweet. I couldn't help but think that I couldn't wait for that to be Nick and I. Then my brain REALLY started playing tricks on me. I just thought about how this could end and what has happened in the past and how I couldn't possibly go through another miscarriage.

This afternoon at around 3:30 I got the call from my doctor. They wanted to know about my cycle and when I would have ovulated and so on. She said my levels were low...but how low? Pretty darn low. My HCG is 8.6 and my progesterone is in the "lower" range but nothng alarming. So now I play the waiting game. Mind you this is my 3rd time playing this game so I am pretty familiar with it. I will go back Friday for more blood work that will be very telling...either the pregnancy will sustain, or not. My doctor increased my Prometrium (to up my progesterone levels) and we just pray that my HCG doubles like it should every 48 hours or so.

So what do I need from you? I need you to pray. I need you to remember that I have to think about this for the next 3 days as I try to focus my mind on teaching my sweet kids. I need you to pray for strengh and faith, that I will trust in God and accept His will as it comes. He is in control. I want this to be the one, but if it is not, I need to be ok with that and keep on keepin' on. Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. You truly do not know how much it means to me! It is not easy to put all of this out there. I have learned through this experience that hiding it doesn't help me, it just hurts even more.

Miscarriage

Still playing a waiting game for this month and NO I haven't miscarried again. I just wanted to shed some light on this tragic process. Not many women talk about their miscarriages when they have them. It is a very private hurt. Yes, your husband is upset too but you feel the pain in many more ways. I thought I would take the time and give some insight on miscarrying.

1. Like I said above...this is a VERY private hurt. Yes you tell others, people know and are sorry, but emotionally and physically it is heart wrenching and a deep down hurt like you have never experienced.

2. Your husband is so sad for you but is even more insecure on how to be there for you. If you have a good one like I do, he is understanding when you are tearful and holds your hand through the physical pain.

3. There is physical pain. With my first, I literally had contractions for nearly 10 hours. I went through a "mini labor", which is the way my doctor described it. It was so physically painful which just increased the emotional part of ten fold. When I went to the doctor a couple days after, he explained the process to me and I was blown away.

4. Sometimes you have to have surgery to remove the fetus. If your body does not do its job on its own, you have to have a procedure either at your OBGYN office or the hospital depending on how far along you are.

5. It is losing a child. I am not sure how many miscarriages I have had, I only know of the two that were "caught". I do know that I knew I was pregnant with a child both of those times and from the day you find out, you dream of what it will be like to hold that baby. No, I never got to meet those babies but I do believe that miscarriage is losing a child no matter how far along you were. 9 days or 9 months...all the same.

6. Nearly 25% of recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. This does not count the ones that may be unknown at the time.

7. Miscarriage is an uncomfortable topic for our society. There is such a silence over miscarriage that it can in return greatly affect the mother. Not many know this. It is important to talk about these things, as there are SO many that experience it. Why are we so silent about it?

Talk about it. Share your experience. Those of us that have went through it NEED to hear that others are out there. Pray for those that have lost a baby. The pain lingers...and then lingers some more.

Month to Month

Every month is the same process over. and. over. Stressing about becoming pregnant is no longer an issue for me, but the monotony of taking meds and timing gets to be a bit tedious. And then there is the TWW (two week wait..). The part I absolutely have grown to hate!! During these two weeks I analyze every symptom and relate it back to the fact that I "could" be pregnant. Like right now for instance. The whole reason I decided to blog was because I have felt weird all day. Crampy. Tired. Nauseous. So of CoUrSe my little pregnant wanna-be brain jumps to the fact that I COULD be pregnant. Good grief. So here is what I have decided to focus on instead of "well maybe your pregnant!"

1. Grading papers. Sound silly?? Well everyday I just let them pile up and then on the weekend bust my tail to get them all graded. NO MORE! I will grade some every night.

2. Exercise more. I need more strength training. Zumba is my best workout friend, but I gotta do better with the whole weights thing.

3. Pandora and my Bible. Enough said. Need them both sometimes...at the same time.

4. Stop reading the "What to Expect" discussion groups. I tend to over analyze a bit and this feeds the madness. If you haven't, head over to the website and just check it out. You may break out into hives...

                                      Go on...click here..you know you want to (:

Short list, but it's all I got for now. I don't have much time at night, but the time I do have has to be focused on other things for sure! My next post may be the two week wait news! Am I, or aren't I?? That is ALWAYS the question (;

Just a waitin' game..

This week has been NUTS! I have battled a sinus infection while trying to keep it together at work. Not an easy task for sure!! My sweet co-workers tried to convince me to take a day off, but I refuse to take one of my days the second week of school! They are TOO precious and come in handy when you just need a "mental health day". Or really, ReAlLy, sick...the too sick to move sick. Come to find out a few of my other friends that I was around this weekend have a sinus infection too! Guess it is goin' around.

Fertility Update:  Well, we are playing the waiting game right now. I have been taking the Folgard almost 3 weeks and that is going fine! I finished up my last month of Clomid and honestly I am kinda glad. I really don't like how it makes me feel. Please pray that my body picks up where the Clomid left off and ovulates on it's own! That is the hope right now. I will be able to test for pregnancy for this month in a little over a week. If I am not pregnant, I will go in to have the test done where they shoot dye into my tubes and uterus. I will also have more blood work done on the third day of my cycle. If I AM pregnant, I will have blood work done immediately to check all of my levels to be sure it is progressing at a normal rate. I could also have to start shots of Heparin daily to thin my blood (due to the clotting issue they found out I have).

That is about it for now! I am honestly too tired to really even think (; That is what pouring out your brain to children all day will do to ya! Have a great weekend!

New school year, new meds..new start.

So this is my fifth year teaching fifth grade and I finished my second day of school for the 2011-2012 school year today. I can truly say that I was not too excited to start this year, but the past two days have been great! I really do love what I do and love that every day is SO different. I also get to work alongside of colleagues that I am blessed to also call some of my best friends. It is nice to wake up and know that I am going to laugh the day away at not only my kids, but my teammates. They are the best.

Part of me being reluctant in starting school was the fact that I was not starting school pregnant. I had pretty high hopes of becoming pregnant this summer and it didn't happen. With the disappointment came joy though...we are finally on a track to having a successful pregnancy. I can rest in the fact that we have some answers and we are one step closer. Who knows...it could be months before we become pregnant again! For the first time in a LONG time I do not feel stressed about getting pregnant and having a baby. I just felt like if I wasn't pregnant by the time school started, I would be so stressed with a new school year and it would affect me becoming pregnant. I do not feel that way at all.

Of course when you teach children you get asked many questions all. day. long. When sharing with my students about who I am outside of the classroom, of course the question "Do you have kids?" came up several times the first day. I was able to smile and so "No not yet, but one day!" and know that there was nothing to stress about (: Such a good feeling!

The new medication did make me feel sick a couple of days after I started taking it but now my body is used to it! I am done with my final month of clomid for awhile as well. Honestly, I am glad to be done taking it because of the way it makes me feel. I am tired of having hot flashes in the dead heat of summer! It can be unbearable at times...ugghh. Hopefully my body will keep on truckin' and ovulating like it is supposed to from now on!

I am very encouraged by your love, support, and prayers!

Helloooo blood work!

By the way this is my second time around trying to get this all down and I am trying really hard to keep my eyes open long enough to give you all the details (: So most of you know by now I am back to work after my summer came to an abrupt halt on Sunday ): I have been as busy as a little bee trying to get my room clean and all put back together. Just got my class list today and so far I have 23 little darlings coming my way on Monday. Well yesterday the county sent us all to meetings all over the county and I received a phone call from my OBGYN during one of my sessions. I just HAD to get up and answer that, right?? No really, it is very important I answer their calls because if you know anything about doctors' offices and trying to talk to someone, you know you gotta answer when they call or it could be a couple of days before you hear from someone!

The nurse called to tell me that Dr. Kelly wanted me to do another round of Clomid this month and asked if I had heard from the specialist about my blood work and if they suggested any other medications such as baby aspirin....hmmm. This of course got me to thinkin' and I got off the phone and called my specialist right away. I was able to speak with the nurse right when I called (they are wonderful) and asked her about my blood work. She told me that Dr. Mitchell had not reviewed it yet but she would go find her right and call me back in 10 minutes...really?!? When does THAT happen? I got a call back in less than 10 minutes..

Just as I was suspecting (weirdly enough..) I have a blood clotting mutation called MTHFR mutation. She told me that it was probable I have had more miscarriages than the two I knew about ): The two weeks I have been waiting to hear back I have had SUCH mixed feelings. Do you wish to hear something is wrong and hopefully work to fix the problem or do you want perfect blood work? Honestly, I wanted them to find something so that we could atleast go somewhere from here.

What is MTHFR and what does it mean for me? Well, it basically means I am unable to absorb Folate (folic acid) which is pretty important when it comes to having a baby!! It causes small clots in the blood which is why I am having multiple miscarriages. So what's next? I am starting a new medication tonight called Fogard which will supplement the folic acid and most likely baby aspirin as well to thin my blood. It is possible that when I do become pregnant again, I may have to have heparin injections throughout my entire pregnancy. So for now my regimen is 100 mg of Clomid, 200 mg of Prometrium for my low progesterone, and now Fogard. Dr. Mitchell said that if I do not get pregnant this month we will go talk to her about what's next.

Hearing that I have most likely had other miscarriages that I did not even realize was a pretty heart wrenching feeling. I just pray that this medication will do the "trick" and we become pregnant sooner vs. later and are able to carry a baby to term! I just have to take it a day at a time and trust in God's perfect plan. Now more than ever I am learning to rest in the arms of God. Pray!

Jesus I am resting, resting

In the joy of what Thou art

I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart