An Anniversary

I tried to post 3 times yesterday, but failed miserably. I think I was just too relaxed (; I am LOVING my time off and decided I would be way skinnier if I didn't work. I have worked out three times this week and it hasn't been something I dread but the exact opposite! I have really enjoyed it. Doesn't hurt that two of those workouts have been Zumba in the Dark. Just picture a dark room, disco lights, and lots of ladies dancing away. Tons of fun!

Yesterday marked 2 years since the first time I found out I was pregnant. I remember having three of my  best friends over for a little Christmas get together, eating, laughing, and exchanging gifts. After talking with one of my dearest friends, and after much conversation that led to the fact that I was late for my period, made me realize that I was pretty sure I was pregnant. Just a couple weeks before, I had a slight fever and felt yucky, just felt off, and was really nauseous the morning I had my friends over. I promised her I would take a test in the morning and text her with the results. Shockingly enough, those two lines appeared right away. WHAT?? Nick and I weren't going to start trying for a couple more months?? Could we be this lucky? Eight or so preggo tests later and a visit to a doc in the box for another pee test, it was true.

I was pregnant.

We were SO excited! Of course my mother knew the minute I took the test and then we decided to tell other family members soon after. Nick made a fortune cookie that he took to the Chinese restaurant with his family that said something to the effect that their would be a new addition to the family. My dad, stepmom, and grandma came down and we told them as well and made a few more phone calls that night to family members. Without going into too much more detail, our first appointment at a little over 6 weeks was inconclusive as everything was in place but a heartbeat and they wanted me to come back in a week.

A week later, a little over 7 weeks pregnant, we went for another ultrasound and still no heartbeat. The doctor wanted to see me the following Monday, but told me that I could miscarry at any point and he didn't have much hope for this pregnancy. Just a few short hours later, I started to bleed and miscarried later into the night. It was horrible. Painful. Devastating.

Now here we are two years and three more miscarriages later. It is truly hard to believe that time has passed so fast. I remember thinking last year as I approached 2011 that I was so over 2010 and ready for a new year. I was very hopeful for what this year could bring and wanted so badly to have a successful pregnancy. In just a few short days we will enter into 2012 and I don't know what to think. Coming home from Zumba I thought hard about my feelings and what I hoped that this new year would bring. I just don't know.

I have so much faith and hope inside of me, don't get me wrong. I just don't want to be disappointed, ya know?  So I will hope for God's will for our lives, that we will seek Him with every decision, and find joy in all situations. For now, that's all I know to do. I think that's enough too (:

Pray for Nick and I as we make some tough financial decisions and possibly move on in this journey of having a child. I also pray that if it is God's will, we conceive on our own.

Happy New Year!

I Hate My Uterus

Kinda feeling like a bit of a failure today...I know, I know..it's REALLY silly. AF arrived right on time. On time as right in the middle of my teaching full blown with cramps and all! Luckily, I had Advil sitting on my desk, took some right away, and the cramps calmed down some.

Why am I feeling like a failure? I feel like my body is almost betraying me sometimes. I mean, we really have only starting "trying" (as in charting, medication, SMEP..) since the beginning of this summer. My first pregnancy was quite the surprise as we had planned to start trying in the following months. After that, we didn't prevent it, but did not pay attention to my cycle or anything like that. My second pregnancy was also a bit of a surprise and unexpected. Of course my third pregnancy was from trying for a couple of months, which I am very thankful for! I mean some people try for YEARS and never see a positive pregnancy test. After my third pregnancy came a chemical pregnancy literally 30-40 days later.

Now here we are, one miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy after "trying" for roughly 6 months. I have to be thankful for the fact that my body has been pregnant 4 times in the past two years. On December 27th, 2009, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. It brings back such naive feelings that I had about pregnancy. I was thinking to myself that I was pregnant and in 9 months I would be holding a baby...it just doesn't always work out like that. Now we continue to struggle with infertility and going from month to month disappointed with either a loss or a negative pregnancy test.

I will admit that I have tested this week hoping and praying to see two lines on that test. I was of course disappointed and really sad when it didn't turn out to be a pregnancy. Thoughts of me being pregnant at Christmas this year crept into my mind and all of the fun that could bring. Now, according to my chart, I will be ovulating on Christmas day instead! Weird.

So no, I don't hate my uterus...most of the time (; I guess since I have been dealing with this for what seems like forever, I just feel like my body keeps failing me. I know that is not the case. I know that there is a reason for all things and I trust that.

Who knew this would be so dang hard? I just.want.to.have.a.baby. I think I will revisit the IVF conversation with my sweet husband. It's just time to try something different. It's time to take a step forward. Soon. If it means not buying a new home for awhile, I am more than ok with that. We are in such a good place. PlEaSe pray for us as we continue to search for answers and listen whole-heartedly to God's plan and will for our lives.

Pregnancy Update 4

So..my brain cannot seem to function properly these days. I am SO forgetful and just doing very silly things. For instance, my students were having their specials time at P.E. When it was time to pick them up, I proceeded to walk myself down to music then realized as I approached the door that my students were all the way across the school at P.E. Today my alarm went off at 4:45 like usual. Instead of snoozing the alarm for ten more minutes like I do every. day., I instead set it for 6:30?!? Was I dreaming that 6:30 was the time I should get up?!? Well, it put me late to my appointment and late to school and in CRAZY traffic!

Anyway, to the good stuff (: I was able to waltz right in to the doctor's office and be out within 10 minutes. So lovely! I always call at 12:30 and leave a message to let them know I am still waiting for my results (; I usually receive a call very quickly after that but did not today. They did not call until 4:20! I was growing evermore impatient and my little mind began to worry a bit!

She called to say that my numbers quadrupled!! That's right..they are moving in the right direction. BUT, my progesterone is still low. I get to once again be put on a new medication. Can't remember what it's called but it starts with a C. Sorry, I know that's not much help. For those of you that may not know, Progesterone plays a very important role in pregnancy. Every month your lining around your uterus will either shed and you will get your period, or it will thicken because you have become pregnant and your rising progesterone levels will keep it in tact. If you have low progesterone like me, you have repeated miscarriages because your lining sheds prematurely. So, I will start this new medication that hopefully will help this issue. I am just so thankful to be feeling pregnant and welcome every little symptom (:

I go back once again on Monday for more blood work! This is getting to be quite tedious but if it means I have to go throughout my whole pregnancy to monitor things, I will do it. I am thankful to work with an administration and teammates that fully understand and have been so supportive. So blessed!

Thank again for the hugs, prayers, letters, and emails! I am so thankful for all of you! (And if you are tired of hearing that, get over it (;..)

Here we go again folks!

Well, I have some news to share. I am pregnant. Here's the story..

I was supposed to start my period on Sunday or Monday. I started testing on Thursday of last week and had all negative tests through Sunday. I tested Monday morning as I was feeling my period was well on it's way, and there it was. I was a bit in shock and called Nick in to have a look at the positive test I saw in front of my eyes. Then I got scared. real scared. The thoughts and the "what if's" entered in quickly. I called my fertility specialist first thing this morning and left work to go have blood work done. I did not get to speak with my doctor but I did see her. A couple came in with their brand new baby to take pictures with Dr. Mitchell. It was so sweet. I couldn't help but think that I couldn't wait for that to be Nick and I. Then my brain REALLY started playing tricks on me. I just thought about how this could end and what has happened in the past and how I couldn't possibly go through another miscarriage.

This afternoon at around 3:30 I got the call from my doctor. They wanted to know about my cycle and when I would have ovulated and so on. She said my levels were low...but how low? Pretty darn low. My HCG is 8.6 and my progesterone is in the "lower" range but nothng alarming. So now I play the waiting game. Mind you this is my 3rd time playing this game so I am pretty familiar with it. I will go back Friday for more blood work that will be very telling...either the pregnancy will sustain, or not. My doctor increased my Prometrium (to up my progesterone levels) and we just pray that my HCG doubles like it should every 48 hours or so.

So what do I need from you? I need you to pray. I need you to remember that I have to think about this for the next 3 days as I try to focus my mind on teaching my sweet kids. I need you to pray for strengh and faith, that I will trust in God and accept His will as it comes. He is in control. I want this to be the one, but if it is not, I need to be ok with that and keep on keepin' on. Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. You truly do not know how much it means to me! It is not easy to put all of this out there. I have learned through this experience that hiding it doesn't help me, it just hurts even more.