Kinda feeling like a bit of a failure today...I know, I know..it's REALLY silly. AF arrived right on time. On time as right in the middle of my teaching full blown with cramps and all! Luckily, I had Advil sitting on my desk, took some right away, and the cramps calmed down some.
Why am I feeling like a failure? I feel like my body is almost betraying me sometimes. I mean, we really have only starting "trying" (as in charting, medication, SMEP..) since the beginning of this summer. My first pregnancy was quite the surprise as we had planned to start trying in the following months. After that, we didn't prevent it, but did not pay attention to my cycle or anything like that. My second pregnancy was also a bit of a surprise and unexpected. Of course my third pregnancy was from trying for a couple of months, which I am very thankful for! I mean some people try for YEARS and never see a positive pregnancy test. After my third pregnancy came a chemical pregnancy literally 30-40 days later.
Now here we are, one miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy after "trying" for roughly 6 months. I have to be thankful for the fact that my body has been pregnant 4 times in the past two years. On December 27th, 2009, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. It brings back such naive feelings that I had about pregnancy. I was thinking to myself that I was pregnant and in 9 months I would be holding a baby...it just doesn't always work out like that. Now we continue to struggle with infertility and going from month to month disappointed with either a loss or a negative pregnancy test.
I will admit that I have tested this week hoping and praying to see two lines on that test. I was of course disappointed and really sad when it didn't turn out to be a pregnancy. Thoughts of me being pregnant at Christmas this year crept into my mind and all of the fun that could bring. Now, according to my chart, I will be ovulating on Christmas day instead! Weird.
So no, I don't hate my uterus...most of the time (; I guess since I have been dealing with this for what seems like forever, I just feel like my body keeps failing me. I know that is not the case. I know that there is a reason for all things and I trust that.
Who knew this would be so dang hard? I just.want.to.have.a.baby. I think I will revisit the IVF conversation with my sweet husband. It's just time to try something different. It's time to take a step forward. Soon. If it means not buying a new home for awhile, I am more than ok with that. We are in such a good place. PlEaSe pray for us as we continue to search for answers and listen whole-heartedly to God's plan and will for our lives.
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