Take a "walk" with me..

I have been wanting to blog for quite sometime, and actually did have a blog in secret that I would occasionally update, but now I am ready (: I am ready for you to read about my very simple life but very real struggles with something that has taken over my life here over the past couple of years. Hi, my name is Kristen and I suffer with "unexplainable infertility". That is what they call it atleast which I REALLY cannot stand quite frankly. What do you mean "unexplainable?" Isn't it your JOB to explain to me my issues and help me fix them, Mr. doctor? I have come to terms with the title, but not the day to day struggles. Here is a little background for those that are new to my story so far.

In December of 2009, Nick and I were shocked to find out that I was pregnant with our first child! We were thrilled and told everyone right away. This pregnancy ended abruptly at almost 10 weeks pregnant. I won't go through all of the details but basically at my first visit the ultrasound tech was not able to see "all that she was supposed to be seeing". So I went back a week later and it was "better" but still "troublesome" for my doctor. I then was told to take it easy and went back later that week as I just wasn't feeling right. My doctor basically told me that I would probably miscarry soon but it was possible that I wouldn't, but not probable. So I went home that day, layed on the couch and watched tv, and later that night had my first miscarriage. Awful to say the least. Painful in more ways that I had ever imagined it to be. You hear quite frequently of those that miscarry but I never knew the pain that was hidden away deep down inside.

Well, my doctor assured me that this was quite normal and not to worry so after a few months of really struggling, we went on and decided that we were going to "try" to have a baby. I was pregnant again by October 2010 with another kind of shocking pregnancy but to end in miscarriage around 5 weeks pregnant. Again, this was very painful and I was ready for some real answers from my doctor at this point. I wanted to know why I was miscarrying and what I could do to stop it. So the next step was for a few tests from my doctor. I was told that I had low progesterone and needed to be supplemented with Prometrium every cycle from now on and when I do become pregnant again, I will need to take Prometrium throughout my first and maybe second trimester.

Ok, low progesterone, no big deal right? My doctor also suggested that we begin Clomid (a drug to enable ovulation). So starting around January of 2011 I began Clomid and am currently about to start my 5th round. If you have never been on Clomid it can be a bit tricky. You have hotflashes as if you were a menopausal woman, headaches, and even possible weightgain. Great. Also, you have to stop after six rounds and take a break because it can be dangerous for your ovaries. Did I mention I was on my 5th round? Scary.

So here is the deal. I am a very private person when it comes to "displaying how I feel", but I have decided that maybe all of that hidden stress is causing me some anxiety that I don't need. Nick and I are trying to figure out what is next in this 2 year journey of trying to have a child and could really appreciate all the prayers we can get (:  I know that God has a plan for us and all things work together in His timing and it is really the only thing that keeps me from breaking down in tears more than I already do. He is Sovereign and I must be patient. and hopeful. and trusting. and I am.

I have decided that I will document this journey and give a very real explanation of what it means to really "try" and have a child. I think it will be eye-opening for some maybe? Don't feel sorry for us though...we want what God wants for our lives, whatever that means. Did I mention I am VERY stubborn and will not stop fighting (;

Stay tuned...