Here we go again folks!

Well, I have some news to share. I am pregnant. Here's the story..

I was supposed to start my period on Sunday or Monday. I started testing on Thursday of last week and had all negative tests through Sunday. I tested Monday morning as I was feeling my period was well on it's way, and there it was. I was a bit in shock and called Nick in to have a look at the positive test I saw in front of my eyes. Then I got scared. real scared. The thoughts and the "what if's" entered in quickly. I called my fertility specialist first thing this morning and left work to go have blood work done. I did not get to speak with my doctor but I did see her. A couple came in with their brand new baby to take pictures with Dr. Mitchell. It was so sweet. I couldn't help but think that I couldn't wait for that to be Nick and I. Then my brain REALLY started playing tricks on me. I just thought about how this could end and what has happened in the past and how I couldn't possibly go through another miscarriage.

This afternoon at around 3:30 I got the call from my doctor. They wanted to know about my cycle and when I would have ovulated and so on. She said my levels were low...but how low? Pretty darn low. My HCG is 8.6 and my progesterone is in the "lower" range but nothng alarming. So now I play the waiting game. Mind you this is my 3rd time playing this game so I am pretty familiar with it. I will go back Friday for more blood work that will be very telling...either the pregnancy will sustain, or not. My doctor increased my Prometrium (to up my progesterone levels) and we just pray that my HCG doubles like it should every 48 hours or so.

So what do I need from you? I need you to pray. I need you to remember that I have to think about this for the next 3 days as I try to focus my mind on teaching my sweet kids. I need you to pray for strengh and faith, that I will trust in God and accept His will as it comes. He is in control. I want this to be the one, but if it is not, I need to be ok with that and keep on keepin' on. Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. You truly do not know how much it means to me! It is not easy to put all of this out there. I have learned through this experience that hiding it doesn't help me, it just hurts even more.

Miscarriage

Still playing a waiting game for this month and NO I haven't miscarried again. I just wanted to shed some light on this tragic process. Not many women talk about their miscarriages when they have them. It is a very private hurt. Yes, your husband is upset too but you feel the pain in many more ways. I thought I would take the time and give some insight on miscarrying.

1. Like I said above...this is a VERY private hurt. Yes you tell others, people know and are sorry, but emotionally and physically it is heart wrenching and a deep down hurt like you have never experienced.

2. Your husband is so sad for you but is even more insecure on how to be there for you. If you have a good one like I do, he is understanding when you are tearful and holds your hand through the physical pain.

3. There is physical pain. With my first, I literally had contractions for nearly 10 hours. I went through a "mini labor", which is the way my doctor described it. It was so physically painful which just increased the emotional part of ten fold. When I went to the doctor a couple days after, he explained the process to me and I was blown away.

4. Sometimes you have to have surgery to remove the fetus. If your body does not do its job on its own, you have to have a procedure either at your OBGYN office or the hospital depending on how far along you are.

5. It is losing a child. I am not sure how many miscarriages I have had, I only know of the two that were "caught". I do know that I knew I was pregnant with a child both of those times and from the day you find out, you dream of what it will be like to hold that baby. No, I never got to meet those babies but I do believe that miscarriage is losing a child no matter how far along you were. 9 days or 9 months...all the same.

6. Nearly 25% of recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. This does not count the ones that may be unknown at the time.

7. Miscarriage is an uncomfortable topic for our society. There is such a silence over miscarriage that it can in return greatly affect the mother. Not many know this. It is important to talk about these things, as there are SO many that experience it. Why are we so silent about it?

Talk about it. Share your experience. Those of us that have went through it NEED to hear that others are out there. Pray for those that have lost a baby. The pain lingers...and then lingers some more.

Month to Month

Every month is the same process over. and. over. Stressing about becoming pregnant is no longer an issue for me, but the monotony of taking meds and timing gets to be a bit tedious. And then there is the TWW (two week wait..). The part I absolutely have grown to hate!! During these two weeks I analyze every symptom and relate it back to the fact that I "could" be pregnant. Like right now for instance. The whole reason I decided to blog was because I have felt weird all day. Crampy. Tired. Nauseous. So of CoUrSe my little pregnant wanna-be brain jumps to the fact that I COULD be pregnant. Good grief. So here is what I have decided to focus on instead of "well maybe your pregnant!"

1. Grading papers. Sound silly?? Well everyday I just let them pile up and then on the weekend bust my tail to get them all graded. NO MORE! I will grade some every night.

2. Exercise more. I need more strength training. Zumba is my best workout friend, but I gotta do better with the whole weights thing.

3. Pandora and my Bible. Enough said. Need them both sometimes...at the same time.

4. Stop reading the "What to Expect" discussion groups. I tend to over analyze a bit and this feeds the madness. If you haven't, head over to the website and just check it out. You may break out into hives...

                                      Go on...click here..you know you want to (:

Short list, but it's all I got for now. I don't have much time at night, but the time I do have has to be focused on other things for sure! My next post may be the two week wait news! Am I, or aren't I?? That is ALWAYS the question (;

Just a waitin' game..

This week has been NUTS! I have battled a sinus infection while trying to keep it together at work. Not an easy task for sure!! My sweet co-workers tried to convince me to take a day off, but I refuse to take one of my days the second week of school! They are TOO precious and come in handy when you just need a "mental health day". Or really, ReAlLy, sick...the too sick to move sick. Come to find out a few of my other friends that I was around this weekend have a sinus infection too! Guess it is goin' around.

Fertility Update:  Well, we are playing the waiting game right now. I have been taking the Folgard almost 3 weeks and that is going fine! I finished up my last month of Clomid and honestly I am kinda glad. I really don't like how it makes me feel. Please pray that my body picks up where the Clomid left off and ovulates on it's own! That is the hope right now. I will be able to test for pregnancy for this month in a little over a week. If I am not pregnant, I will go in to have the test done where they shoot dye into my tubes and uterus. I will also have more blood work done on the third day of my cycle. If I AM pregnant, I will have blood work done immediately to check all of my levels to be sure it is progressing at a normal rate. I could also have to start shots of Heparin daily to thin my blood (due to the clotting issue they found out I have).

That is about it for now! I am honestly too tired to really even think (; That is what pouring out your brain to children all day will do to ya! Have a great weekend!

New school year, new meds..new start.

So this is my fifth year teaching fifth grade and I finished my second day of school for the 2011-2012 school year today. I can truly say that I was not too excited to start this year, but the past two days have been great! I really do love what I do and love that every day is SO different. I also get to work alongside of colleagues that I am blessed to also call some of my best friends. It is nice to wake up and know that I am going to laugh the day away at not only my kids, but my teammates. They are the best.

Part of me being reluctant in starting school was the fact that I was not starting school pregnant. I had pretty high hopes of becoming pregnant this summer and it didn't happen. With the disappointment came joy though...we are finally on a track to having a successful pregnancy. I can rest in the fact that we have some answers and we are one step closer. Who knows...it could be months before we become pregnant again! For the first time in a LONG time I do not feel stressed about getting pregnant and having a baby. I just felt like if I wasn't pregnant by the time school started, I would be so stressed with a new school year and it would affect me becoming pregnant. I do not feel that way at all.

Of course when you teach children you get asked many questions all. day. long. When sharing with my students about who I am outside of the classroom, of course the question "Do you have kids?" came up several times the first day. I was able to smile and so "No not yet, but one day!" and know that there was nothing to stress about (: Such a good feeling!

The new medication did make me feel sick a couple of days after I started taking it but now my body is used to it! I am done with my final month of clomid for awhile as well. Honestly, I am glad to be done taking it because of the way it makes me feel. I am tired of having hot flashes in the dead heat of summer! It can be unbearable at times...ugghh. Hopefully my body will keep on truckin' and ovulating like it is supposed to from now on!

I am very encouraged by your love, support, and prayers!

Helloooo blood work!

By the way this is my second time around trying to get this all down and I am trying really hard to keep my eyes open long enough to give you all the details (: So most of you know by now I am back to work after my summer came to an abrupt halt on Sunday ): I have been as busy as a little bee trying to get my room clean and all put back together. Just got my class list today and so far I have 23 little darlings coming my way on Monday. Well yesterday the county sent us all to meetings all over the county and I received a phone call from my OBGYN during one of my sessions. I just HAD to get up and answer that, right?? No really, it is very important I answer their calls because if you know anything about doctors' offices and trying to talk to someone, you know you gotta answer when they call or it could be a couple of days before you hear from someone!

The nurse called to tell me that Dr. Kelly wanted me to do another round of Clomid this month and asked if I had heard from the specialist about my blood work and if they suggested any other medications such as baby aspirin....hmmm. This of course got me to thinkin' and I got off the phone and called my specialist right away. I was able to speak with the nurse right when I called (they are wonderful) and asked her about my blood work. She told me that Dr. Mitchell had not reviewed it yet but she would go find her right and call me back in 10 minutes...really?!? When does THAT happen? I got a call back in less than 10 minutes..

Just as I was suspecting (weirdly enough..) I have a blood clotting mutation called MTHFR mutation. She told me that it was probable I have had more miscarriages than the two I knew about ): The two weeks I have been waiting to hear back I have had SUCH mixed feelings. Do you wish to hear something is wrong and hopefully work to fix the problem or do you want perfect blood work? Honestly, I wanted them to find something so that we could atleast go somewhere from here.

What is MTHFR and what does it mean for me? Well, it basically means I am unable to absorb Folate (folic acid) which is pretty important when it comes to having a baby!! It causes small clots in the blood which is why I am having multiple miscarriages. So what's next? I am starting a new medication tonight called Fogard which will supplement the folic acid and most likely baby aspirin as well to thin my blood. It is possible that when I do become pregnant again, I may have to have heparin injections throughout my entire pregnancy. So for now my regimen is 100 mg of Clomid, 200 mg of Prometrium for my low progesterone, and now Fogard. Dr. Mitchell said that if I do not get pregnant this month we will go talk to her about what's next.

Hearing that I have most likely had other miscarriages that I did not even realize was a pretty heart wrenching feeling. I just pray that this medication will do the "trick" and we become pregnant sooner vs. later and are able to carry a baby to term! I just have to take it a day at a time and trust in God's perfect plan. Now more than ever I am learning to rest in the arms of God. Pray!

Jesus I am resting, resting

In the joy of what Thou art

I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart

The calm before the storm...

I start back to work in 6 days. Tomorrow I have to go for a leadership meeting for 3 hours. I am NOT ready! This is the first year that I have honestly not worked a couple days a week in my classroom all summer long, spent a good bit of money buying new things, and anticipating going back to work! Don't get me wrong, I do love my job! I love making my classroom and fun and inviting environment, watching students grow by leaps and bounds, and also hanging out with some of my best friends everyday (; BUT...teaching. is. hard. It is stressful and time consuming...actually ALL consuming. I am reading The End of Molasses Classes by Ron Clark and it is getting me fired up to teach. I know the impact I have on these kids and this book is getting me a step closer to being ready. In 6 days.

I think the stress of trying to get pregnant does weigh in on my hesitations this summer with going back to work  As much as I love to teach, I want even more to be a mother. It is just almost impossible for me to manage a household, teach, lesson plan, grade papers, write and respond to emails and phone calls, AND try to have a baby. Not everyone understands what it means to "try" to have a baby. I am on medication, going to doctors appointments, taking ovulation tests daily, and trying to chart everything that is going on with my body! I have so enjoyed the stress free life this summer and just getting to "go with the flow" a little more, focus on having a kid, and spending more time with my husband. I think it solidfies even more that when God is ready for me to have a child, I would really like to work towards staying at home. It is just what's for me I think. Either that or opening my dream school (;

On a side note I have not gotten any of my bloodwork back! I am getting a little bit impatient as it has been a week and a half. The specialist called today to say that Nick checked out perfectly so that is good news! They asked me to call my OBGYN to see what the hold up was so I did. They said that they are waiting on one test to get back to send the results to the specialist and it should be "a day or two." So I continue to play the waiting game for a little longer.

Pray for me as the school year begins that I can manage it all without the stress!