TWW

In this crazy recurrent miscarriage life that I live, there is this ugly thing called the TWW (two week wait). When you are trying to have a baby, charting, temping, drugging yourself, and so forth...the time between ovulation and your period or a positive pregnancy test is the absolute worst. It is the time when you analyze every symptom and relate to previous pregnancies to try and guess if you could be pregnant or not. In other words, it's awful! See, there is no "it will happen when you least expect it" when you have issues with getting pregnant (or staying pregnant in my case). I know what day of my cycle I am on at all times, I chart everything, I record every symptom, and wait and pray and hope that this is THE month.

It can be pretty exhausting sometimes and I can get pretty psycho about it all at times, but it is the life I live! I can't just "relax" and "wait for it to happen"...that's not how my body works! I have to treat this issue like anyone else with any other ailment treats theirs. We are taking a break for the fertility specialist for a little while since we got the go ahead to keep trying on our own. I will keep taking extra folic acid and progesterone supplements for the last two weeks of my cycle. We know I have low progesterone which is part of the cause for my miscarriages.

I read a lot of blogs. It's almost therapy for me because I read blogs with families that are struggling with pregnancy. Sometimes it's nice to know that others out there can relate to your issues and give you a different perspective. There are few that I stick close too particularly because we share the same faith and I love to see how God is working in their lives and throughout the tough times. I think in my next post I will link some of them for you to read. Many of them have done multiple IUI's, IVF's, and overall just tried and failed for years. It is heartbreaking but also gives me so much hope that so many of them are pregnant now and carrying their babies beautifullly.

Nick and I put a contract on a home in West Cobb and it fell through today after the inspection. The foundation is crumbling ): We really liked the house and what it could be for us, but it's apparent that God has a better home for us. It just wasn't the right one. Although we are out $350 for the inspections, we could have been out thousands and thousands if we wouldn't have had a very throrough inspection. Thankful for that!

Well, I will continue in my TWW and in 8 days figure out what's going on this month! Always hopeful because my God can do BIG things (:

Family Fun and Other Updates (:

My brother and his family moved into a new house this weekend, so I kept my nephew Brayden (5) and my niece Emma Grace (18 months). I went to meet my brother and sister-in-law on Friday night in Canton to pick them up. Brayden was so excited and Emma Grace was a little hesitant, especially when my brother walked away from the car after putting her in her car seat. She whimpered for about a minute and then was fine. This was the first spend the night party with Aunt Kristen (:

All Brayden was worried about was seeing Uncle Nick and Emma Grace would not let me put her down! We didn't get home until after 9:00 pm and Emma Grace was asleep shortly after we got home, put on PJ's, and watched Brayden play the Wii.

I put Emma Grace in the bed and Brayden and I waited for Uncle Nick to get home before heading off to bed ourselves. We all slept really well and got up at about 8:30 Saturday morning. Emma Grace would still not let me put her down, so I managed to make pancakes, feed both of them, and clean up with her in my arms. Luckily her big brother sat in the chair and watched cartoons while I jumped in the shower. We all got dressed and sat down to watch Brayden play the Wii for a little bit and Emma Grace fell asleep again. Around 12:30, we all got cleaned up again and headed out to McDonald's! They ate their happy meals and we headed out to the playground.

They had lots of fun!! We soon headed back home for the Georgia game and naps. Brayden, Emma Grace, Sadie (our dog) and I all fell asleep in the same chair while watching the game. We had a good nap and when we woke up it was time to pack up and head to Cumming! I got to see their new house coming together and Brayden was excited to see his room that was pretty much done! His room is decorated with Georgia Bulldogs and he loved it...so did Emma Grace. He has bunkbeds that were my brothers when he was little and Emma Grace liked sitting on the bottom bunk while big brother was on the top.

After hanging at their new house for a bit, we all headed out to dinner with my dad and step mom. It was a great way to start off a much needed week off from school for all of us. Tomorrow I head to the doctor (my regular doc) for a yearly check up and a hair appointment later in the afternoon. At some point I have to get my house cleaned, do LOTS of laundry, and get ready to decorate for Christmas. Nick also has three days off this week (he had today off too!), so we plan to get some Christmas shopping done.

This morning we went to Sunday School in a new class and before the class started we met a couple that dealt with infertility issues for 7 years! They have one daughter who is now in college. It was great to hear her story. She talked about how she knew that it was in God's plan for them to be parents, she just didn't know how. They were very close to adopting and were finally able to conceive (with a few procedures) their one and only daughter.

Today we went and looked at a few houses. One of which we really loved but it had some major issues. Issues too big for our bank accounts ): Oh well...back to the drawing board! We did a little shopping this evening and went out to dinner. It was a great day!

I was talking to Nick about Brayden and Emma Grace and how sweet they were this weekend. It really confirmed a lot for me. First of all, I can manage two children...and pretty darn well! I am ready for a baby. I got a little teary talking with Nick and our situation and he asked me I was getting discouraged. I didn't know quite how to answer that. This morning we were studying Job in Sunday School and I was really convicted when talking about his trials and tribulations. No matter what, God is faithful and 100% in control. I see the blessings through the trials. I see and feel Him bringing us closer to him through this. Isn't it interesting that we tend to stray when things are SO good in our lives?? It is through the trials that see a bigger God. For that I am so thankful.

No, I don't think I am discouraged. I think I am ever more closer to our goal (a baby..or two (;...of course!) and to a deeper relationship with God. God wants us to be parents, that I know for sure. 



My Thoughts on What Happened

My pregnancy tests are pretty much negative now. Here is what I think happened...

I think I may have had a chemical pregnancy. A chemical pregnancy is a term for a very early miscarriage. This means that the egg fertilized but never implanted in the uterus. You usually end up producing the pregnancy hormone, which is why my tests were postive for a couple of weeks. This is only my theory, but honestly by now I have studied up on this fertility stuff so much, I could just about write a book! About 50-75% of all miscarriages are chemical pregnancies...crazy.

Anyway, I just thought I would offer my opinion on what I think went on. As for getting pregnant, we are going to still try. In a few months we are going to take the next step...we just aren't sure what that step is yet! Only time will tell (: c

My Confusing Life...

Well..I wasn't going to share this but I thought about it and guess I might as well! A few days before my period finally came I got this..
(scroll down..posting via I-phone is a bit tricky!)

Yep..that would be a positive test! I didn't really know what to think and kinda just shrugged it off. My period cane on Monday so I figured it must have been a false positive (accept apparently that never happens). Something told me to check a couple of tests I had taken a couple weeks back and yep...both positive. I am not very patient when it comes to waiting the three minutes for the result and I usually just throw them out after 30 seconds or so.

You know it's just really confusing at this point. Did I have another miscarriage?? Was it a chemical pregnancy??? I know for sure it wasn't left over pregnancy hormone from my last miscarriage. They tracked my numbers back to zero. No, I haven't called the doctor because I just need a break from the madness. We will see her soon enough!

Needless to say, I took another test few minutes ago, set it on the sink, and ran out of the room. Period is pretty much done so I just thought I would check..

Why does it have to be this hard and this confusing??? I was thinking on the way home from work, after I bought more tests, that there is no telling how many tests I have taken over the past couple of years!

Anyway, there ya go. Just thought it would make me feel better if I didn't keep that all inside (; I already feel much better!

So what am I gonna do? Not much. Pray about it and let it go. It's in His hands now!

Just Another Monday..

Today was quite the day! I had to dress like Alexander Graham Bell and teach the same lesson five times. I started my period (first since last miscarriage) and was in pretty awful pain most of the day. I sufferered through! I had an extra body wrap in my purse and put that sucker on! It heats up and made my cramps SO much better!

With the start of this cycle, it has really got me thinking about where Nick and I should go from here. We are supposed to make an appointment with the fertility specialist but I have been putting it off. Part of me is so ready to just right in to IVF, but the other part of me knows the financial burden it will put on us if we do! What if it doesn't work the first time? Then what?? We are still searching for answers on what happens next. I just pray that God will show us soon!

Is dumb that the money is what is standing in our way? Should be we keep trying for awhile longer? Yeah...I don't know either (;