Something is missing?

Today honestly felt like a whirlwind. As a teacher, your name is literally called 5 million times a day. Normally this doesn't bother me very much, but today...I was over it by 8:30 a.m. Last week was conference week so the kiddos left a little after noon. Today was back to the normal schedule and for whatever reason, I was so tired by dismissal. Maybe they were all sugared up when they came this morning. I know tomorrow will be worse...yikes!

I absolutely LOVE this time of year. I love the weather, the changing leaves, the scent of cinnamon and pumpkin, the holidays..everything. I love that I get to see my family more often than usual around Thanksgiving and then again at Christmas. I love the extended breaks from work to decorate my house, bake, and not feel so stressed. It. is. the. best. 

I will say this though...for the first time ever, I feel like there is something missing. I want to have a child to dress up and take trick-or-treating, to get their pictures taken all dressed up, to take to sit in Santa's lap, to read the Christmas story to..all of those things. I have never felt like there was something missing until this year. Is it because I have just had my third miscarriage? Maybe. Who knows what it is, but the feeling and longing is there. God has given me a huge desire to have children..Nick as well. We want to share of these memories with someone else. We want to grow this family. It can be incredibly frustrating sometimes to be in this position of infertility. I feel frustrated today.

Please pray that Nick and I would not become frustrated with our situation, but embrace it and continue to believe that God is in control and His plan is perfect. We certainly believe that with all of our hearts. God is working in the both of us. I feel it..and I like it (:

Good News!! Nick got a promotion at work! He has only been there a month and from what he was told...this never happens! He is now an assistant manager (: We are so thankful for this job!

We sang this in church yesterday. Love it.

Call from the Doc

I must have been tired today because in one moment I am watching Ghost Whisperer (yeah..not sure why on that one..) and the next I am waking up to my phone ringing at almost 6:00 pm! Good thing I have chili going on the stove.. I looked at the phone and saw that it was my doctor's office. I have been waiting on a call about my most recent bloodwork that was done. They did some sort of genetic testing that took three weeks to get back.

My doctor was calling to say that the results were in and everything is normal! Mine is normal, Nick's is normal...everything is NORMAL! She wants us to come in for an IVF consultation. I have not had a period since my last miscarriage and just got a "smiley face" yesterday on my OPK letting me know that I was about to ovulate. It sure did take a long time! Nick and I sat down to talk about what we should do. Do we keep trying? Do we try IVF?

Nick believes that we should just keep trying naturally and I kind of agree with him. I say kind of because I am the one having to lose babies over and over and part of me really does not want that to happen again. There are no guarantees with anything though. Adoption, IVF, trying naturally...no guarantees. I think we will go and have the consult with Dr. Mitchell, talk to her about how we feel, and once again, go from there

We are going to keep praying about what the Lord would have us to do. Please pray for these upcoming decisions!

Strength

You know for the most part, I consider myself to be a fairly strong person. That strength comes from my faith in God and knowing that no matter what life throws at me, He is there to pick up the pieces. I can honestly say today my strength is on the low side. I just feel...stressed. I feel tired. I feel like life keeps throwing me these curve balls. The awesome thing about it all is that my faith is stronger than ever. I know that the Lord will provide and everything will be ok.

As much as I want things to be so different in my life right now, I know God has bigger and better plans for us. That is comforting.

I try not to complain about much because I know that I am blessed with so much more than I deserve already. But sometimes...it is just so much easier said than done. Today is one of those days.

Just praying for strength, patience, and the understanding of God's will in my life right now. He will provide.

Sorry for my weakness in this moment, but none the less, thanks for listening (:

What a week!

This week has been...long. My fifth graders have had ITBS testing all week which makes for some super long days let me tell ya. Not to mention it rained a few of those so we were extra stir crazy..

Glucophage has honestly not been that bad! I have lost right at 5 pounds since Monday (hoping to sneak another one in their this weekend..)! I have been eating well and did not venture to exercise this week because i was afraid of how my body would react to the medicine with my sugar levels and all. Didn't want to scare folks and pass out in the middle of Zumba (;  I go from taking one 850 mg a day to 1700 mg a day starting tomorrow. Then things could get a little more interesting (:

Side effects this week:
1. Lack of appetite. I just. don't. want. to. eat. Like anything. I don't feel like eating until dinner time and even then I could go without. No worries, I am making myself eat lots of protein and veggies!
2. Headaches. Stress or medicine? Just can't tell.
3. A little bit nauseous. Just makes you feel kind of yucky!

Questions I have been asked:
1. So are you diabetic??  NO! Actually, sugar and insulin levels are one of the first things checked when someone is having trouble conceiving or is miscarrying. Women that have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) are prescribed Glucophage to stabilize the insulin levels. Did you know even the smallest amount if insulin resistence can cause a woman not to ovulate? My doc thinks this is why I was only ovulating every other month. That is why I am on Glucophage. To keep my insulin levels stable so that I will ovulate normally. Normal fasting insulin levels are 10 and below. My level was 16 and anything over 10 could show some insulin resistence.
2. Are you going to to IVF soon? That is a HUGE decision that the hubs and I have to pray over. We are tyring to figure it all out. It's $20,000. Did I mention it's $20,000?? Yes, there is financing. Yes, there are grants. I have looked into all of the options and been doing my research to the fullest extent. We meet back with the doc in a couple of weeks and will discuss it further.
3. Will you guys just keep trying naturally for awhile? That is also something we are considering. My doctor is not convinced that we can't conceive without IVF. She just knows that we have a much better chance with it as they can determine which eggs are viable and which ones are not. Should we wait for IVF for another year or two? I mean, I am 28? Just not sure..

I also want to mention the fact that God is very much in this plan. He is orchestrating our decisions and we go to Him for every move. I know with every part of my being that the Lord wants us to have children too. He will make a way!

Top Ten List

I thought this was funny so I had to repost...this was on a blog I found a few days ago! She put in the commentary (:

Top Ten Things You Do NOT Say To Someone With Infertility:

 

1. "You need to just relax. If you stop thinking about it, it'll happen. I know... take a vacation!"

Stop thinking about it?? So if a Dr. tells a sick patient, "stop thinking about your illness." they will instantly be cured?!?! oh and a vacation?? Really?? Cuz I've had my share of getaways and uh.. yea.. no pregnancy reports here. Maybe we didn't visit the designated "fertile" vacation spots!?? hmmm.. I'll have to ask my travel agent for these "hot spots".

2. "You should just adopt!"

Oh yeaaaa.. why didn't I think of that?? Where can I pick up the "easy" application, send it off and wait for my child in 7-10 business days ?? ugh.. --- IT'S A LONG, SUPER EXPENSIIIIIIIIVE PROCESS PEOPLE!!!!!

3. "You want kids? Take mine!"

Ohhhh you're TOO kind! I'll let you know, let me talk it over with the Mr. Yay!!! ---  Oh wait.. you weren't serious!!?? Then shut up!! No I dont want UR child!!

4. "There's probably a reason why you can't get pregnant/ or Things happen for a reason."

Wow.. you have a psychology degree too?!? Thank you for stating the obvious that there must be a reason why I can't get pregnant.. ur a genius!!

5. "Oh you're still young! Enjoy your "childless" years, just you and your hubby! If it's meant to be, then it'll happen!"

still young? Infertility doesn't care about age!! It will blast you at any age.

6. "My cousin adopted a baby and then one year later.. boom! She got pregnant!"

First see my answer for #2...  second.. WELL GOOD FOR UR COUSIN!!

7. "Have you tried acupuncture? Meditating? Herbs? Standing on your head after sex?"

Anything you could possibly think of.. we have tried. Plus most of them are just "wives tales".. who comes up with these things anyway?!?! But yea.. we've tried all sorts of things!! I'll show you the handouts if you'd like. You name it, we've most likely tried it.

8. "I wish I had that problem!! My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant.."

OKAAAAAAAAAYYYY  MRS DUGGAR! calm down!! ugh! maybe my husband should take "staring" lessons from your husband. He can show him a trick or two. geeeeez!  

9. "There are too many people in this world anyway!" < then do this fake little laugh like they want to be funny> 

ohhh no!!! Well heaven forbid I bring ONE extra person into this life. Let me go cancel all my appointments and be thankful that you gave me a popluation update. wait a second.. aren't you the one that told me your husband looks at you and you get knocked up?!?!? Stop over populating then!!! ugh!

10. "You're lucky.. you won't get huge or have those god awful pregnancy symptoms. Once you have a baby, you won't sleep for a looong time. You'll be tired all the time!"

well.. I HAVE gained weight actually.. I do experience nausea at times, my breasts hurt like crazy .. But that doesn't make me pregnant! So not only am I getting those "symptoms".. but I don't have a child as a result of that. Just extra pounds and pains! Ok.. yes..ur right.. that DOES make me feel better. And as far as not getting sleep... I'll sleep when I die, kapeeeesh??--  I WANT all that ok. I WANT to wake up with bags under my eyes. I WANT to be sooooo tired and just hand my baby over to my husband and ask for help. I'm READY for it.  

Sigh! <insert shoulder shrug here> ....

Some people just don't know.

So What is Next?

Today was a bit overwhelming. Ok, A LOT overwhelming. I don't know what I expected really, I guess I didn't have expectations. All we were told was that we were going to hear Dr. Mitchell's "plan" on getting us safely pregnant.Anyway...here's the story.

We were taken right away to Dr. Mitchell's office and was told that she would be with us in a moment as she was finishing up a procedure with another patient. While we waited, I looked through a three ring binder full of statistics on infertility, treatments, and statistics on outcomes of the different types of treatments. Nick played on his Ipad (;

When Dr. Mitchell came in, she started by going over this last pregnancy with me and confirming different aspects, "How long did it last this time," and so on. Basically my pregnancies have been 9 weeks, 6 weeks, 6 weeks. She talked about all of the testing I had done thus far and that everything came back negative which in normal world would be great! Unfortunately, in fertility world this is not so good. It leaves the specialist a bit puzzled as to where to go next. The first thing she did mention though as we were going over tests is that my insulin was 16% (whatever that means) and that she wanted me to go on Glucophage which is a medication that stabilized your insulin levels. Your insulin levels do not cause miscarriage, but they do keep you from getting pregnant and she just wants to cover all basis.

A couple things about Glucophage:

1. I will lose weight! Yay! She said one of her most recent patients that she put on the medicine lost 30 pounds in one month!
2. I can't have any sugar or carbs. No bread. No pasta. Not much fruit. No more orange juice (which I love). No more mexican food really. No more italian food really. No icecream, cake, or anything sweet. She basically told me to follow the Sugar Busters diet or the first phase of Atkins. Thrive Weightloss, here I come!
3. If I cheat, the medicine will cause me to have diarrhea and cramping. Like immediately. She told me not to be in an "open air park" like Stone Mountain..hah! No cheating for me!!!!!
4. I will start tomorrow by taking one pill with dinner and do this for a week. The next week I will take one pill at breakfast and one at dinner. Then the next week I will take a pill three times a day with each meal. No. Cheating.
5. When I reach my goal, she will put me on Metformin which will help me to maintain my weight.

So after the Glucophage conversation, she went right into what she thinks is happening with my pregnancies. She talked about how young I was and how my tests were so inconclusive. So bottom line?

She believes it is something genetic that is causing my miscarriages.

What does this mean? Well, she explained that the reason we have not heard a heartbeat with our past pregnancies has probably been because of a chromosonal defect. She fears as though this will be a continual battle for us to fight. She did encourage us by saying she feels as though there is plenty of hope for us. Apparently there is a new type of IVF where they can extract my eggs and perform a test that shows the viability of the chromosonal makeup within the egg. This is brand new technology and she told us that if we came to her a year ago, she wouldn't have been able to do.

Here is the example she gave us: Let's say they extract 20 eggs and only 4 eggs have the correct chromosonal makeup. She will be able to discuss with us our options for pregnancy. We can decide at that time to carry one child or two. The rest of the eggs will be frozen for later use.

She made it very clear that she does not want me to miscarry again, meaning we shouldn't get pregnant right now. They took my blood for karyotype testing (genetic testing) and that will be back in three weeks. After three weeks, we will meet with her again to decide if we want to try IVF. I wasn't expecting to hear "IVF" so soon, but man when you talk with this lady, you just know she knows exactly what she is talking about. She was extremely confident in the fact that this would work for us.

We have been praying that the Lord would direct her path in choosing how to get us a healthy baby. I guess now we just pray and see if this is truly what He wants for us.

After our conversation with her (which was honestly quite long with many questions from both of us to her filled with information about splitting chromosomes and such that I didn't understand all of) she took us into another room to meet with an IVF counselor. Basically, she went through the total cost of the process and exactly what I would go through. Bottom line...gonna cost us around $20,000 for ONE cycle.

She did give us a couple of financing options which made us feel not as sick to our stomachs, but it was so much to take in. What if it doesn't work? Would we try another cycle? What if that one doesn't work?? Honestly, Nick and I both need some time to think this through. I can't keep having these miscarriages. It is not good for me physically or emotionally. We will try to have a child of our own, whatever the cost. How could we put a price on the life of our child? Can't handle that. If IVF is what we feel lead to doing, we will try it. If it fails, we know that was indeed God's plan. Money is just money. We can't take it with us when we're gone.

We are not sure if this is the end all be all of us successfully having a child, but know for sure that we are confident in our doctor and that this process of us getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) is being prayed over by SO many. God WILL lead us in the direction we are to go. He IS in every part of this. He IS so faithful and will provide us the strength to get through it. He KNOWS our desire to have a child and if it is His will, indeed it will happen.

Please continue to pray for God direct this path. Pray that we make informed decisions. Pray that with the stress of life in general, we can handle it all. Is adoption off of the table? No. But we are certainly not giving up on having our own too.

Info on IVF here via Reproductive Biology Associates (our fertility specialist)

Upcoming Appointment

Friday Nick and I go to the specialist to talk about the "plan" to becoming "safely pregnant". I am anxious but ready to talk it out with the doctor and get her feel on where we should go from here. With that comes obvious concerns (to me atleast..) How much is this going to cost us? Am I going to have to do more invasive treatment? With that comes a hefty price tag and it makes me a bit nervous to think about that. I mean Nick and I can only afford so much, ya know? Where there is a will there is a way I guess.

Because my appointment is right smack in the middle of the day, I am going to take a day off. It will give Nick and I a chance to think about what the doctor says. Doesn't hurt that we can also go to a long lunch and just hang (; Yay three day weekend!!

I just want to ask for your prayers again. That God's plan will be first and foremost in our minds and that the doctors are led to do what is right for us. Three miscarriages is not going to stop me from having a child. I have been chatting with a few ladies in a discussion group that have had recurrent miscarriage. Many of them have had five plus miscarriages and that may very well be something I have to experience. Either way, God is so very much in control of this path for us and we are ready and willing to do what it takes to have a child! It just means one. step. closer.

Thank you for your prayers and support. Have a blessed week!