An Anniversary

I tried to post 3 times yesterday, but failed miserably. I think I was just too relaxed (; I am LOVING my time off and decided I would be way skinnier if I didn't work. I have worked out three times this week and it hasn't been something I dread but the exact opposite! I have really enjoyed it. Doesn't hurt that two of those workouts have been Zumba in the Dark. Just picture a dark room, disco lights, and lots of ladies dancing away. Tons of fun!

Yesterday marked 2 years since the first time I found out I was pregnant. I remember having three of my  best friends over for a little Christmas get together, eating, laughing, and exchanging gifts. After talking with one of my dearest friends, and after much conversation that led to the fact that I was late for my period, made me realize that I was pretty sure I was pregnant. Just a couple weeks before, I had a slight fever and felt yucky, just felt off, and was really nauseous the morning I had my friends over. I promised her I would take a test in the morning and text her with the results. Shockingly enough, those two lines appeared right away. WHAT?? Nick and I weren't going to start trying for a couple more months?? Could we be this lucky? Eight or so preggo tests later and a visit to a doc in the box for another pee test, it was true.

I was pregnant.

We were SO excited! Of course my mother knew the minute I took the test and then we decided to tell other family members soon after. Nick made a fortune cookie that he took to the Chinese restaurant with his family that said something to the effect that their would be a new addition to the family. My dad, stepmom, and grandma came down and we told them as well and made a few more phone calls that night to family members. Without going into too much more detail, our first appointment at a little over 6 weeks was inconclusive as everything was in place but a heartbeat and they wanted me to come back in a week.

A week later, a little over 7 weeks pregnant, we went for another ultrasound and still no heartbeat. The doctor wanted to see me the following Monday, but told me that I could miscarry at any point and he didn't have much hope for this pregnancy. Just a few short hours later, I started to bleed and miscarried later into the night. It was horrible. Painful. Devastating.

Now here we are two years and three more miscarriages later. It is truly hard to believe that time has passed so fast. I remember thinking last year as I approached 2011 that I was so over 2010 and ready for a new year. I was very hopeful for what this year could bring and wanted so badly to have a successful pregnancy. In just a few short days we will enter into 2012 and I don't know what to think. Coming home from Zumba I thought hard about my feelings and what I hoped that this new year would bring. I just don't know.

I have so much faith and hope inside of me, don't get me wrong. I just don't want to be disappointed, ya know?  So I will hope for God's will for our lives, that we will seek Him with every decision, and find joy in all situations. For now, that's all I know to do. I think that's enough too (:

Pray for Nick and I as we make some tough financial decisions and possibly move on in this journey of having a child. I also pray that if it is God's will, we conceive on our own.

Happy New Year!

It's Comin' On Christmas..

You know sometimes I feel like people just don't get it. Miscarriage isn't a "small thing" or something that is so "normal" that you get over it quickly. It is losing. a. life.

I get really frustrated when people make comments that are so insensitive to what they perceive miscarriage to be. OK, so let's say I had never had a miscarriage (or 3 and a chemical..). I would NEVER say to the husband or God forbid mother that lost a child, "You know, I just didn't think it was really that big of a deal?"

WHAT?!?

It is a good thing I have God right there by my side to comfort and assure me not everyone understands. I don't get mad at these comments. I just can't in my right mind understand how someone could be so callous to the fact that a LIFE was growing, stopped growing, and died. Until your in it, you have no idea. That goes with anything I guess.

I will stop on my rant now. The good news is that Christmas is fastly approaching (: I just love this time of year and am always so sad to see it go. It is such a reflective time in my relationship with Christ and I think every year at this time where or what I would be without Him. Unfortunately, this time of year can also be a bit sad someone like me who is struggling to have children. I want to do the same things many of the people I know are doing with their children...it can be a somewhat disheartening. When I feel this way, I am reminded of this quote:

Whenever Christmas begins to burden, it’s a sign that I’ve taken on something of the world and not of Christ. Any weight in Christmas has to be of this world.  Ann Voscamp

I know these feelings I have stem from the inside selfish struggles that comes with the territory of infertility. It is a constant struggle that can seriously tear you down if you let it. I pray that I can let the burdens that the world puts on my shoulders daily go, and remember that God wants to carry them for me. I came across this song on a blog that I read pretty regularly and it somewhat embraces what I feel when I am a little low this time of year.  Thought I would share (:

I won't let this somewhat sadness ruin this joyful time of year. That would just be silly. God is greater. The birth of His Son is greater.

I Hate My Uterus

Kinda feeling like a bit of a failure today...I know, I know..it's REALLY silly. AF arrived right on time. On time as right in the middle of my teaching full blown with cramps and all! Luckily, I had Advil sitting on my desk, took some right away, and the cramps calmed down some.

Why am I feeling like a failure? I feel like my body is almost betraying me sometimes. I mean, we really have only starting "trying" (as in charting, medication, SMEP..) since the beginning of this summer. My first pregnancy was quite the surprise as we had planned to start trying in the following months. After that, we didn't prevent it, but did not pay attention to my cycle or anything like that. My second pregnancy was also a bit of a surprise and unexpected. Of course my third pregnancy was from trying for a couple of months, which I am very thankful for! I mean some people try for YEARS and never see a positive pregnancy test. After my third pregnancy came a chemical pregnancy literally 30-40 days later.

Now here we are, one miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy after "trying" for roughly 6 months. I have to be thankful for the fact that my body has been pregnant 4 times in the past two years. On December 27th, 2009, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. It brings back such naive feelings that I had about pregnancy. I was thinking to myself that I was pregnant and in 9 months I would be holding a baby...it just doesn't always work out like that. Now we continue to struggle with infertility and going from month to month disappointed with either a loss or a negative pregnancy test.

I will admit that I have tested this week hoping and praying to see two lines on that test. I was of course disappointed and really sad when it didn't turn out to be a pregnancy. Thoughts of me being pregnant at Christmas this year crept into my mind and all of the fun that could bring. Now, according to my chart, I will be ovulating on Christmas day instead! Weird.

So no, I don't hate my uterus...most of the time (; I guess since I have been dealing with this for what seems like forever, I just feel like my body keeps failing me. I know that is not the case. I know that there is a reason for all things and I trust that.

Who knew this would be so dang hard? I just.want.to.have.a.baby. I think I will revisit the IVF conversation with my sweet husband. It's just time to try something different. It's time to take a step forward. Soon. If it means not buying a new home for awhile, I am more than ok with that. We are in such a good place. PlEaSe pray for us as we continue to search for answers and listen whole-heartedly to God's plan and will for our lives.